Ugh

I've let myself go.

Oh boy, have I let myself go.

In fact, I've gone, come back, and left again.  Go, go, go.  Going, going...GONE!

I'm wearing years of 'another birthday fat,' 'disappointment with life fat,' 'i don't have a full time job fat,' 'ouch fat (A.K.A. 'what is that pain - i can't walk fat'),' 'what the eff has happened to my life fat,' 'eat because i want to mask the pain of reality fat,' 'why is my bladder doing that fat,' 'why didn't i recognize that was God's sign fat.' 

You name it, the fat stopped here.

Well, after eleven years of trying, falling, re-inventing, getting back up and trying again, following the trends and trying, and falling, and getting back up once more, I finally found a full time job.  Or rather, the job found me - but either way, that's a BIG "thank you," God.

No, this is not me feeling sorry for myself, it's just the unbridled realization that I am so behind an eight ball with my name written on it...bedazzled in Liberace-style rhinestones.  Like a disco ball of ugh - swinging wrecking ball-like through my life - and I have a tracking device brilliantly embedded somewhere so that I cannot duck or hide, no matter how hard I work to improve things.

How do I make myself un-go?

Is there a way to undo the damage and get back to a good place, or do I just have to start all over again from here?  Really...from here?  Right here?  Really!?

Well, I suppose there are only truly two choices then, eh.  Keep loving the chocolate and potato chips, and all of the other bad things which taste so good and make me feel better, or confront those things that hold me back, make me feel scared and incapable and unworthy.

OK, this is me telling them to get the bleep outta my way!

But just in case, does anyone have a bag of bread crumbs I can use?

Make a bigger dent

I totally get Karl's conundrum with homework for two classes - which set of classwork to start on first?  He couldn't just choose one and get busy, for fear of not doing what was 'right' by working on the other class homework instead.

At the time, I couldn't get how this was such a problem.  Not wanting to think he was using an oddly elaborate dodge, I tried to help him see that by just getting started he could finish one thing and then start the other... eventually both assignments would be accomplished.  The more he dug his heels in over one subject, the more we butted heads and became frustrated.

The more frustration, the more we argued.

The more we argued and debated, the less homework got done.

It was a vicious, unhealthy, unhappy situation. 

It was a difficult time but we did finally move past that.  Karl graduated last May, receiving two - TWO Associate degrees.

Currently, I have multiple large tasks to tackle at home, and no matter what I do I cannot make myself choose one thing over another.  I start one chore, only to distract myself somewhere in the process and lose momentum.  Or, I'll make lists to outline the day or the order, but can't make myself actually dig in and start because the items further down the chore list suddenly seem more important than they had when the list was made.  Aaaargh!!

So, I get it, Karl.  I see your trouble, but there has to be a way to overcome and move forward easily.  I'll let you know how this all comes out.  Until then, here's hoping everything in your life falls in to place easily.