Sadness

I don't go looking for it; it just shows up.  The day can be as positive as ever, but the hours come to an end and there it is. 

Is it the lonesomeness or the loneliness?  One of these feels like being endlessly homesick while the other feels like exile.  

Both are hideous (and possibly avoidable), but one is definitely given to you and the other is sought out.  Either way, with either outcome, the sadness materializes and brings you to a low you didn't see coming. Couldn't see coming.  

I should say "I" since I am speaking of my own experiences, but the little bit of distance this difference in verbiage affords me makes it seem just that much less painful.

Wow, that is a complete cop-out on my part, and I know I'm trying to fool myself.  Sad is sad, and sadness is real.  My sadness may subside over time, but how do I make it leave me alone until I am stronger?

I don't know this for certain, but I am of the frame of mind that a pill shouldn't be the way I handle it.

Is it the lonesomeness or the loneliness?  

When I reached out to a years-long friend to get together recently, and was put off several times, I wanted to believe the first one or two rejections were legitimate reasons, but the last two attempts?  Well, let me just say I now know were met with less than genuine responses; but because I wanted to believe the reasons (because the alternate thought I was entertaining was not ideal for fighting the sadness).  I hung up the phone thinking, 'some other time.'

I bought being gently rebuffed, until I found that this person ended up getting together with other people instead, and I then I fell apart inside.  Tried not to take it personally, but that is easier said than done.  This was a friend.

It's heartbreaking.

It's an eye-opener.

It's demoralizing.

It's trust-breaking.

It's a horrible way to reinforce learned behaviors - learned over a lifetime of a poor self worth.  Does anyone have any extra self-worth I can borrow, or have, or pay you for?

This all makes me feel like walking off into the distance; like disappearing and finding a new place to blend into the woodwork.  At least if I make the effort to never be seen right from the start, the lack of interaction won't hurt, as much - right?  

No boo-hooing here, just stating what I feel is the a better way to exist.

What a fool I've been (?)

Well, a friend posted this on her facey spacey timeline today, and it struck a familiar chord in me. 

There have been so many times over the last dozen years or so (truly, I think I've been haunted by this feeling for more like the last 20 years) where I question my level of stupidity and self-worth.

I can't recall < that sort of experience or memory, BUT I can vouch (with the help of hindsight) many times [stress M A N Y times] having been handed an opportunity that I let slip away because - as I told myself (convinced myself) - that it just couldn't be that easy.  Sometimes I can even envision myself not even letting those times 'slip away' so much as (I think) I ran from them.

MANY times something so wonderful and right up my ally, answer to my dreams, perfect for my skillsets, and *the EXACT* right thing I have always wanted to do with my life, materialized like a Stephen King fog and enveloped my path!  Like a gift, the perfect future was laid out before me and I thought to myself:

"This sort of thing just doesn't happen like this.  There must be a catch...or, this is a trick of some sort.  I'll be sorry if I accept the opportunity because it is just too good to be true."

Hindsight has slapped me hard, and I feel the splinters from God's 2x4 between my eyes.  I have been inattentive to His gift many times over because I did not feel the love with the offer, I only felt the shame of not being worthy.

I can only pray for one more chance, one more love tap of His 2x4 - one more chance to say, "Yes! Thank you."  

Do you think it will happen?  Will I recognize it for what it is and take the leap?

Does God love fools (enough)?