Funny (odd) how the human mind works. Then, you couple it with the 'heart' (the emotional side of our brain) and you find conflict. Add the psyche (still more brain stuff) and you come up with a crock pot full of "Whoa. What have you done?... "What were you thinking?"... "WTF?"
Prior to Christmas (one year ago) I was going to head up to a friend's place to help them finish prepping their domicile for the arrival of family. I was supposed to receive a phone call the night before, letting me know what time to be there the next day; but the phone call didn't come. In my infinite realm of being a horrible human - not to mention, the world's biggest disappointment to others (my entire life) - I assumed that that was a hint aimed at me. The next day, the hint became an enormous message (in my mind) when the silence extended itself throughout the entire day and on into the evening.
Rather than call and ask my friend if they were alright, I let it go, believing I was reading the message loud and clear. A 'message' that probably wasn't there, but that I most definitely read as an "I don't want you around" sort of thing. If you spent any time at all stumbling around in my brain pan, you would know this was an easy conclusion for me to reach.
The surest path.
Common sense.
I have 'a gift,' you see.
My 'gift' has been put to great use lo these past several decades, and as I have gotten older my 'gift' has become more finely honed and excessively refined.
Razor sharp.
Infallible.
That phone call from my friend that never came... yeah, I let that tip my emotional scales to become nearly two months of self-imposed exile. I reasoned that it was all obvious simple math; that 'one' (my friend) added with other 'ones' (1+1+1+1...), and that became lots of reasons why I should vanish from life. I pulled into my shell and remained cloistered and reclusive for weeks. I tucked myself in and locked up good and tight against everything and everyone, and remained untouchable and impervious to any more slights and outright injuries - perceived or otherwise. I had been on my own for so long, it just seemed the natural next step.
After all, I wasn't hurting anybody... else.
In fact, my gift has most likely become the largest impediment in my bag of tricks; the single most utilized implement of destruction which keeps me from enjoying more of that part of life I so badly miss and want to take part in - people stuff. Life itself.
I activated the gift to protect myself, my heart, my feelings, my self from damage and rejection, but it's only served to insulate me in a 'bass-ackward' fashion. I've become so used to reading the signs bass-ackwardly, that I am afraid I have become quite adept at sabotaging my life before giving anything a chance. All those things I want to take part in - all of the things I could have included myself in, but held back from, because I knew rejection would be the first thing dished out - has all been lost opportunity and wasted life.
The long and the short of it is:
I wonder if I can undo the damage from so many years of incorrect intuitive behavior, and begin practicing more self-inclusiveness? Can I get to a place where I don't wait for direct invitations, but don't shut myself off out of fear, either; automatically assuming abject rejection is one breath - one answer - away. Can a lifetime of conditioning be reversed?
10.15.2017
A brief recap
...followed by (no doubt) a lot of extra catch-up stuff.
Hello, once again!
I did say that entries would be hit or miss for a while, and I did promise (myself more than the lot of you) to try and be more upbeat in my writing, too (but that was all, what... over a year ago?). So, here's me, feeling a bit more buoyed and a tad more hopeful in sharing a somewhat cheerier self.
The job market may be on the uptick, but employers seem to be stuck in 'stupid mode'. I am stuck in the data entry job I won back at the beginning of 2016; come early January I will have been there two years. While immensely grateful to have the job, I need a place to work with a job that will allow me to do what it is I can do, very well, and to the benefit of my employer.
No, I do not have a Bachelor Degree, but what the heck would an administrative position require of a BS? The expectation of employers for job seekers to hold sheepskin that will never be used on the job is asinine. Try hiring someone with years of experience, not years of schooling.
Other things -
I've been s l o w l y working a high protein, low-to-no grain, limited ingredient moist food into Odin's wet helpings over the last several months. It is the same 'hi-pro, lo-to-no, LI' food we are feeding Booker, and the hope is to eventually be able to wean Odin off of his very expensive prescription food and have him eating a more easily obtained (and more affordable) diet. He may always have to have his special prescription crunchy chow, but my thought is he will be able to handle an over the counter canned food by the end of the year! So far, so good. His intestines are processing it better than before. and if we see an issue with his body not being able to adjust to an increase at any time, the amount fed goes backwards until he stabilizes and his poos are back to normal.
The only real trouble is keeping Odin away from Booker's crunchy food, and Booker from eating any of Odin's kibble.
The twins are also bonding in big and little ways. Odin walked up to Book, who was reclining on the floor, they sniffed one another, then Booker lowered his head just a bit and Odin licked the big fella between the ears. Much more of their romping and play is also being done in full view of us humans, too.
Karl is doing well enough in his ethics course, but must get moving with the one long writing assignment he has. The first deadline is quickly approaching, with no wiggle room to speak of.
We are walking a little more regularly (Karl and myself), which is a very necessary activity. This past week I arrived home after work to find Karl had left the house on his own! He walked to a friend's house, roughly ten blocks away, and then on to the dollar store - over a mile away... in one direction!
A few weeks back I fell down some stairs in a workplace stairwell, spraining my right hand and ankle, and bruising my left hip and buttocks; it was an amazing bounce down five steps. I am no longer wearing the wrist brace, but still massaging the wrist and thumb. I've even begun stitching on my CQs again!
Yesterday was one long, rainy day. I'm not certain about how much of the state received rainfall, but my house was rained on from 8AM until midnight, with a forty-five minute break right around 8:30PM.
Maybe you could let me know what's happening in your life.
Hello, once again!
I did say that entries would be hit or miss for a while, and I did promise (myself more than the lot of you) to try and be more upbeat in my writing, too (but that was all, what... over a year ago?). So, here's me, feeling a bit more buoyed and a tad more hopeful in sharing a somewhat cheerier self.
The job market may be on the uptick, but employers seem to be stuck in 'stupid mode'. I am stuck in the data entry job I won back at the beginning of 2016; come early January I will have been there two years. While immensely grateful to have the job, I need a place to work with a job that will allow me to do what it is I can do, very well, and to the benefit of my employer.
No, I do not have a Bachelor Degree, but what the heck would an administrative position require of a BS? The expectation of employers for job seekers to hold sheepskin that will never be used on the job is asinine. Try hiring someone with years of experience, not years of schooling.
Other things -
I've been s l o w l y working a high protein, low-to-no grain, limited ingredient moist food into Odin's wet helpings over the last several months. It is the same 'hi-pro, lo-to-no, LI' food we are feeding Booker, and the hope is to eventually be able to wean Odin off of his very expensive prescription food and have him eating a more easily obtained (and more affordable) diet. He may always have to have his special prescription crunchy chow, but my thought is he will be able to handle an over the counter canned food by the end of the year! So far, so good. His intestines are processing it better than before. and if we see an issue with his body not being able to adjust to an increase at any time, the amount fed goes backwards until he stabilizes and his poos are back to normal.
The only real trouble is keeping Odin away from Booker's crunchy food, and Booker from eating any of Odin's kibble.
The twins are also bonding in big and little ways. Odin walked up to Book, who was reclining on the floor, they sniffed one another, then Booker lowered his head just a bit and Odin licked the big fella between the ears. Much more of their romping and play is also being done in full view of us humans, too.
Karl is doing well enough in his ethics course, but must get moving with the one long writing assignment he has. The first deadline is quickly approaching, with no wiggle room to speak of.
We are walking a little more regularly (Karl and myself), which is a very necessary activity. This past week I arrived home after work to find Karl had left the house on his own! He walked to a friend's house, roughly ten blocks away, and then on to the dollar store - over a mile away... in one direction!
A few weeks back I fell down some stairs in a workplace stairwell, spraining my right hand and ankle, and bruising my left hip and buttocks; it was an amazing bounce down five steps. I am no longer wearing the wrist brace, but still massaging the wrist and thumb. I've even begun stitching on my CQs again!
Yesterday was one long, rainy day. I'm not certain about how much of the state received rainfall, but my house was rained on from 8AM until midnight, with a forty-five minute break right around 8:30PM.
Maybe you could let me know what's happening in your life.
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