Ostrichotitus

Funny (odd) how the human mind works.  Then, you couple it with the 'heart' (the emotional side of our brain) and you find conflict.  Add the psyche (still more brain stuff) and you come up with a crock pot full of "Whoa. What have you done?... "What were you thinking?"... "WTF?"

Prior to Christmas (one year ago) I was going to head up to a friend's place to help them finish prepping their domicile for the arrival of family.  I was supposed to receive a phone call the night before, letting me know what time to be there the next day; but the phone call didn't come.  In my infinite realm of being a horrible human - not to mention, the world's biggest disappointment to others (my entire life) - I assumed that that was a hint aimed at me.  The next day, the hint became an enormous message (in my mind) when the silence extended itself throughout the entire day and on into the evening.

Rather than call and ask my friend if they were alright, I let it go, believing I was reading the message loud and clear.  A 'message' that probably wasn't there, but that I most definitely read as an "I don't want you around" sort of thing.  If you spent any time at all stumbling around in my brain pan, you would know this was an easy conclusion for me to reach.
The surest path.
Common sense.

I have 'a gift,' you see.

My 'gift' has been put to great use lo these past several decades, and as I have gotten older my 'gift' has become more finely honed and excessively refined. 
Razor sharp. 
Infallible. 

That phone call from my friend that never came... yeah, I let that tip my emotional scales to become nearly two months of self-imposed exile.  I reasoned that it was all obvious simple math; that 'one' (my friend) added with other 'ones'  (1+1+1+1...), and that became lots of reasons why I should vanish from life.  I pulled into my shell and remained cloistered and reclusive for weeks.  I tucked myself in and locked up good and tight against everything and everyone, and remained untouchable and impervious to any more slights and outright injuries - perceived or otherwise.  I had been on my own for so long, it just seemed the natural next step.

After all, I wasn't hurting anybody... else.

In fact, my gift has most likely become the largest impediment in my bag of tricks; the single most utilized implement of destruction which keeps me from enjoying more of that part of life I so badly miss and want to take part in - people stuff.  Life itself.

I activated the gift to protect myself, my heart, my feelings, my self from damage and rejection, but it's only served to insulate me in a 'bass-ackward' fashion.  I've become so used to reading the signs bass-ackwardly, that I am afraid I have become quite adept at sabotaging my life before giving anything a chance.  All those things I want to take part in - all of the things I could have included myself in, but held back from, because I knew rejection would be the first thing dished out - has all been lost opportunity and wasted life.

The long and the short of it is:
I wonder if I can undo the damage from so many years of incorrect intuitive behavior, and begin practicing more self-inclusiveness?  Can I get to a place where I don't wait for direct invitations, but don't shut myself off out of fear, either; automatically assuming abject rejection is one breath - one answer - away.  Can a lifetime of conditioning be reversed?