Did she or didn't she?

Yeah, I knew I needed to follow up on whether mom made it down or not last year.  Seeing as how it's a whole year later, and I am far-removed from the sadness in her disappointment in me (and lack of enthusiasm in my attempts to get her together with her MI-local surviving sibs), I can say, "Yes, she finally did make it south." 

There, I said it.  Now, can we move on?

That was then - 2022.

I am coming to the end of another blissful holiday/vacation period (2023).  Saved a goodly number of vacation days over the year, and spent them all when it would feel the absolute best.  And don't you know there were plans for mom to come down to spend the season with family roiling on a gentle simmer, too?  Doesn't it just figure.

Well, you know it happened again - the stalling on decision making and committing to the plan.  To A plan.  To ANY plan.  I knew there would be date changes and shifting and capitulating, but it honestly never occurred to me she would straight up cancel....and never say anything.  

OK. 

OK, yes...maybe it did sort of squeak around in my brain that she wasn't really sincere in her desire to be here, but it wasn't honestly a huge thought...that she was planning on not coming...that she was going to cancel out.  But, I mean, shoot.

Of course, not saying anything is easiest to do when you simply don't respond to someone's (mine) texts, email, and phone messages.  She totally blocked me.

I am starting to see the brilliance in not making plans, or expecting people to follow through on 'things', and simply flying solo through life.

We shipped her gifts.

Oh, yeah, Merry Christmas everyone.

Will it or won't it? Is she or isn't she?

I've had all of this glorious time off.  Eight fantastical vacation days (which equals weeks, ultimately) saved over the work year - which sometimes took more willpower than I knew I had not to use.  There were so many months strung together during the year where there were 'holiday droughts,' and it was all I could do not to give in to the temptation of using one of my hard-earned vacation days for a slightly longer weekend.

Oh, I know you understand all-too-well what I'm talking about. Can I get an "amen" from the congregation?

And with all of this time, I totally thought I could (and had plans to) kick into gear the final cleaning frenzy to make the place ready for Christmas and visits, very small gatherings, and one special guest.

Mom was scheduled to arrive late in November and be with us into December, but that changed.  Then the new date blew by without any fanfare, which bumped into the dastardly-timed Snowmageddon.  

You know what I'm talking about.  That much-forecasted blizzard that stopped all travel and turned out the lights for hundreds of thousands.  The monster storm that slapped the ever-loving snot outta much of the country...sure, you remember it.  But not us.  Nope.  MI saw nothing like the rest of the mid-west, great plains, and Ohio Valley received.  Well, maybe the U.P. had a snootful of the powder, but the L.P. managed to duck it successfully.  Go figure.

Anyhow, she (yup, still talking about mom) scheduled and canceled because temps were going to be drastically low, and this is a concern for her in the land of Lake Superior.  So, out of fear for her plumbing, she has opted to stay home until after Christmas.  Yeah, I get it, but by the time she does get here, it will be time for me to head back to work.

Did I get the cleaning completed?  No, but I am still renovating, so there's always going to be some sort of clean-up going on anyhow.

Work related - sort of

People always ask me, "How do you do it?  I would never put up with that," they say, "...the way [unnamed person] talks to you.  Why do you let them?"  Others ask, "Don't you ever feel like just leaving when it happens?"

Don't be silly - of course I do (EVERY DAY), but here's what they don't know:

Personally, I think those people are simply jealous.  [insert internal laughter]

"[Unnamed person] is mine!" I tell them, "And you can't have them."  To which the automatic, and very swift response is, "I don't want [unnamed person], you can have them!"

Yeah, that's kinda what I figured.

There are days when the thought of smacking this person upside the head with a handy portion of a broken pallet is quite appealing, but then reality creeps in. 

Where would I hide the body?

How much digging would it entail?

Would it be worth the possible jail time?

Most importantly, do I get to keep all of my paid vacation time and quarterly bonus?

Hey, it pays to be objective.

Dumfounded and Disappointed

To my immediate right is a content Odin - our one-eyed pirate cat.  Off in the distance, and high in the cat tower, is a blissfully snoozing Simon.  He is a little put off with me since I have twice now evicted his treefrog girlfriend.  That in itself is a long story, so we'll save that for another time.

You're sharp if you've noticed the odd time and date of this particular post.  If it didn't dawn on you that I penned it during work hours on a work day, don't feel badly about your sad powers of observation.  

No, I am not playing 'hooky,' per se', but I am using a little PTO because my hip pain has actually caused me to call out "uncle!" for the first time.  Not responding to the pain meds as I would expect...and I could only imagine my worthlessness in trying to work this morning, all the while praying to find a comfortable position to sit or stand in at my desk to get through the day.  And then there are the endless inspections and sorts, reviews of returned shipments, etc, etc.  Lots of hoofing around, but thankfully less of the physically aggressive outgoing inspections of thousands upon thousands of cartons for accuracy and correctness and no damage.  Oddly enough, our customers really hate the incorrectly labeled and/or damaged stuff - go figure.

Anyhow, I managed to get myself out the door and into the car this morning, but found it impossible to lift my leg comfortably enough to shift gears without complete pain.  Usually, (lately) I've been able to get myself started on a drive to wherever and ignore the feeling while driving.  More like I can distract myself - to an extent - to get the job done, only to be further pained by getting out of the car once I've arrived at my destination, and hobbling around until once again crawling back into said vehicle for the next leg of the day.  So it's no wonder by the time I get home it's all I can do to take off my shoes and settle into a comfortable position until the cats need feeding.  

Yes, Hipzilla has finally taken its toll, and I can no longer ignore it or blow off the pain.  In less than a month I will be having hip replacement surgery.  Still wrapping my head around this thought.  As a child of the '60s this is not how I thought my sixties would play out.  

As I was saying, I was on the way to work when I found myself crying from the pain.  Crying!  I mean, I have cried a couple of times now, facing the realization of what is ahead, and I am not happy over it.  And while I am not talking about my mom coming to town to stay with me (for a MONTH) - hang on, I have to cry again - I couldn't believe how that took me over.  It sidelined me.  I had to pull over to compose myself and figure out what I was going to do; go to work or turn around and go home.  I pulled back onto the freeway and drove another two miles before getting off at the first exit and stopping to text my boss.  Then I sat for a few minutes before pulling back onto the expressway to return home.

Yes!  I came home to try another round of something for pain, and ice packs.

In the meanwhile, I have eaten my 1/2 a meatloaf sandwich and had a cup of tea.  I am now drinking a large bottle of ice water and seriously contemplating a bowl of steaming cream of wheat.  The ten-year-old in me seems to think this would be the best remedy for what is ailing me.  Can't argue with ten-year-old wisdom.

So, until I write again, I hope this finds you well and free of worries and ailments.

Keep it that way.

?

Back in June, I thought I would get back to journaling a little bit here and there.  Maybe not to the extent I was 'visiting' with you (whoever you may be) in years past - when I was hopeful somebody cared to keep up with me - but maybe a brief something once in a while just to say "hello."  Something to let the world know I was actually still breathing.

However, something interrupted this little train of thought, and I never got back to it.  Perhaps my insecurities got in the way (there is quite a load of those).  Or, since it was just after returning to work following emergency surgery for an intestinal blockage...yeah, I hear you. "Ick."  Ah, or maybe I just couldn't think of anything to say.

So why is it that this entry is dated June 19th and I started off  with, "Back in June..."?

I guess I am the Simone Biles of blogging.

Time to start Christmas shopping

Yup, I'll get started now - better late than never.

Sadness

I don't go looking for it; it just shows up.  The day can be as positive as ever, but the hours come to an end and there it is. 

Is it the lonesomeness or the loneliness?  One of these feels like being endlessly homesick while the other feels like exile.  

Both are hideous (and possibly avoidable), but one is definitely given to you and the other is sought out.  Either way, with either outcome, the sadness materializes and brings you to a low you didn't see coming. Couldn't see coming.  

I should say "I" since I am speaking of my own experiences, but the little bit of distance this difference in verbiage affords me makes it seem just that much less painful.

Wow, that is a complete cop-out on my part, and I know I'm trying to fool myself.  Sad is sad, and sadness is real.  My sadness may subside over time, but how do I make it leave me alone until I am stronger?

I don't know this for certain, but I am of the frame of mind that a pill shouldn't be the way I handle it.

Is it the lonesomeness or the loneliness?  

When I reached out to a years-long friend to get together recently, and was put off several times, I wanted to believe the first one or two rejections were legitimate reasons, but the last two attempts?  Well, let me just say I now know were met with less than genuine responses; but because I wanted to believe the reasons (because the alternate thought I was entertaining was not ideal for fighting the sadness).  I hung up the phone thinking, 'some other time.'

I bought being gently rebuffed, until I found that this person ended up getting together with other people instead, and I then I fell apart inside.  Tried not to take it personally, but that is easier said than done.  This was a friend.

It's heartbreaking.

It's an eye-opener.

It's demoralizing.

It's trust-breaking.

It's a horrible way to reinforce learned behaviors - learned over a lifetime of a poor self worth.  Does anyone have any extra self-worth I can borrow, or have, or pay you for?

This all makes me feel like walking off into the distance; like disappearing and finding a new place to blend into the woodwork.  At least if I make the effort to never be seen right from the start, the lack of interaction won't hurt, as much - right?  

No boo-hooing here, just stating what I feel is the a better way to exist.

What a fool I've been (?)

Well, a friend posted this on her facey spacey timeline today, and it struck a familiar chord in me. 

There have been so many times over the last dozen years or so (truly, I think I've been haunted by this feeling for more like the last 20 years) where I question my level of stupidity and self-worth.

I can't recall < that sort of experience or memory, BUT I can vouch (with the help of hindsight) many times [stress M A N Y times] having been handed an opportunity that I let slip away because - as I told myself (convinced myself) - that it just couldn't be that easy.  Sometimes I can even envision myself not even letting those times 'slip away' so much as (I think) I ran from them.

MANY times something so wonderful and right up my ally, answer to my dreams, perfect for my skillsets, and *the EXACT* right thing I have always wanted to do with my life, materialized like a Stephen King fog and enveloped my path!  Like a gift, the perfect future was laid out before me and I thought to myself:

"This sort of thing just doesn't happen like this.  There must be a catch...or, this is a trick of some sort.  I'll be sorry if I accept the opportunity because it is just too good to be true."

Hindsight has slapped me hard, and I feel the splinters from God's 2x4 between my eyes.  I have been inattentive to His gift many times over because I did not feel the love with the offer, I only felt the shame of not being worthy.

I can only pray for one more chance, one more love tap of His 2x4 - one more chance to say, "Yes! Thank you."  

Do you think it will happen?  Will I recognize it for what it is and take the leap?

Does God love fools (enough)?

Responsible versus responsibility

For the longest time now, at work, I have been responsible for the quality issues at the DC.  Not that the WH Lead would allow me to do my job to the best of my abilities, or that he would assist me in the endeavor (because there were many instances where he handicapped my efforts whenever possible - and several of the Material Handlers have said as much).

Timeline is this:
I was hired in January 2018 -
worked under the Quality Manager (trained by and directed to perform basic menial tasks...he wanted an admin, basically).  He was pleasantly surprised that I trained easily and accomplished tasks quickly, correctly, and efficiently.  Our WH Director assigned other duties and short-range tasks to keep me busy, and because I was more than capable (she knew I would do the work and keep it to myself).

He (QM) was wooed to another facility in June 2018 -
He attempted to take over the impossible task of managing a systemic collapse at his 'new' facility assignment, while also pseudo-watching the goings on and questions that arose at our location.

By July -
we were basically on our own, borrowing moments of his time and attention that his new bosses begrudgingly spared.  I was not prepared for the everyday issues that popped up (beyond my scope) because he refused to share information or impart training that could have helped mitigate problems at a low level.  However, I managed to chronicle and respond to Sales, CSRs, management and our suppliers, to keep communication moving and prevent material returns from building up and containment issues from becoming stagnant.  Again, this was all while trying to work against the wall of opposition from the WH Lead.

August arrived -
and I was tackling problems that were, at first, understandable and easy to keep track of.  Unless a PPAP or Material Cert request popped up, or some absolutely technical debacle cropped up (which I would steer towards our Engineering staff and former Quality Mgr), I was doing well - given the circumstances.  Our WH Director was supportive and proactive, and she sought to understand my role and functions (as she met with the Quality Manager and myself to better define my tasks and abilities in his absence).  She wanted to delegate more responsibility my way, which was fine.  All of that would require some training and direction (again, which I was ok with), but the training and hand-off of responsibility would never come.

September thru December -
came and went; no movement was made in finding a replacement for the QM role (mostly because he didn't want to replace himself).  We had our year-end inventory, which I was not included in, and then enjoyed a pleasant holiday break.

Also somehow, through this same time period, the WH Lead was allowing an alarming number of mis-pulled and mislabeled materials to leave the facility.  These growing issues greatly annoyed our customers and resulted in a lot of fees, returns, and 8D situations.  He was told to watch the one very responsible party in his shipping crew creating the bulk of trouble, but never did.  This would become a very unmanageable situation for him because he refused to take responsibility.  His 'fix' would become my new task - 95% of my new workload for the coming year.

January 2019 -
Upon the return to activities in the new year, our DC Director made the announcement she would be retiring - which, I guess, she did every year.  No one held their breath, but her attitude did seem lighter in some respects and more fretful in others.  Her most immediate goal was to work with our former QM (my now non-boss) to find his replacement at the DC.

Sometime late in January A-dude joined the team as a year-long temp Quality Manager.  If he proved himself, he would be hired the following year.  If not, well...

Things went from worse-than-bad to WTH?! at breakneck speed.  By the time A-dude showed up, I had already been 100% inspecting every effing labeling job leaving the WH.  Every label on EVERY package.  Add that monumental chore to the other tasks of my own that I could now not even get to, and you have a big problem growing.  Then there was the added strife of training A-dude (trying to train, that is).

He was a man dressed in Teflon and stale-smelling clothing, doused in too much old cologne.  Not only did he smell (literally), he stank at his job, too.  He wouldn't learn because his MO was to find others to do his work for him.  I figured it out early, and after a lot of wasted time trying to repeatedly show him how to use our AX system, I opted to remove myself from his workforce and use the 100% verifications as my salvation.  Besides that, he was not my responsibility.  He could learn to sink or swim another way.

Over time, he and the WH Lead tried to join forces in an effort to remove me from my position.  I had the support of those who knew my work and my capabilities, and would not let them park 'the bus' they were driving on me, but that didn't prevent the work situation from becoming a cluster "f."

December -
A-dude was a waste of money and time, and it only took the company ten months to figure that out.  In between, our lovely Director did retire (mid-year) and was replaced by another female figurehead.  My new Quality boss began shadowing - and cleverly questioning - A-dude to learn the scope (and status) of all the customer issues, and let me know I was not alone.  By...

January thru June 2020 -
I was once again working with, and I still am, our new Quality Manager - and what a difference. [happy sigh]

Now we're doing it during the Covid era, but we are working as a team, and it's been better.

Of course we have a long way to go but at least we are getting there together.  We have tackled a big learning curve and become a good team.  She has given me knowledge and responsibility, and I try to back her up where I can.  She knows she can count on me, and routinely throws things my way - and this has proven her trust in my ability, which I am grateful for.

There's still a lot to do, but it doesn't feel insurmountable any longer.

I am feeling fairly low right now

Do you know how easy it is to do nothing?

Do you know how hard it is on a person to do nothing?

How could they forget?

I told the lads several times that I was taking a couple of days off, and still they insist on waking me up ahead of the non-existent alarm.  Even with a reminder last night at bedtime, they powered in around 5:30 this morning (just as the birds were realizing the sun was soon to rise) and insisted I wake up and provide them with attention, a tent, food, attention, attention, attention.

I'm thinking midday nap.

And on it goes

The first hot and muggy weekend of the year.  We've had warm days, yes, but these are the sorts of weather days that foreshadow (for me) the worst part of the year.

Yes, that's right.  I said it.  Summer is my least favorite time of year - I do not enjoy hot temps.  Any time the mercury rises over 70...that's it, I'm out.  Dry heat, muggy heat, it doesn't matter.  Heat is meant to cook food, not people.

Yesterday was quite enough, and today is going to push me over the red line.  Right over the edge.  Past my limit.  Oh my, and there are three solid months ahead now of 'summer' heat to come. 

I'm melting...melting.

Send bags of ice, please.