Post-P.S

Turned down a Scripty job on an indie which is due to begin shooting in the state on Monday or Tuesday.

Yes, I turned down another film. Same ol' same ol': 'turds wouldn't respond to important questions such as what would be my daily rate? Also, the Production Coordinator knew absolutely nothing at this late date as far as schedule items (like: of a five-day work week, what are the standing days off?). Did they have a locked script? Nope, but here's version 14 of the (as yet) unfinished work...'enjoy'.

Um, can't line an 'unlocked' script if it's so up in the air that there are multiple changes to it every day.

In addition to all of that, I had received no paperwork - no contract, no NDA, no W2s...no nothin' - so I sent a "no-thanks" email yesterday. Yes, it broke my heart (a little), but I have things going on that I would have had to juggle and allocate to others, and fix, and so on, so it would have been a pain-in-the-end right up to the first minute of rolling camera.

It's better this way.

[yeah, beth, just keep muttering that to yourself over and over - eventually, you'll believe it]

Operation "Omission"

I have opted over the first two-plus weeks of October to remain silent rather than rant. To practice abstention over my need to explain, or question, or expound.

I exercised silence in hopes of finding my voice once again - but it's still missing.

The feeling that I have nothing to offer persists.  Nothing that anyone would give a rat's ass about, anyway.  My melancholia is evident in spades, and I resent it!

This time of year is usually my favorite.  The cooler days; the languid afternoon sun shining down at awkward, elongated angles; shorter hours of daylight; falling evening temps; the changing colors of the trees and foliage around the yard.  It all normally buoys my spirit and raises my happiness meter to new heights.... but not this year - and I don't know why.

Over the past few weeks I have hidden away from all of my normal activities.  Found a deep recess in the attic space of my psyche and burrowed in, wholly surrendering to oblivion and ennui.  Eshewed the handful of brilliantly sunlit days (when I would normally revel in them with my quilting projects) and ignored the overabundant dark and rainy days, keeping myself cloistered and walled off from the daily disappointment of the less-than-satisfactory responses to job applications (mostly), the ignorant SPAM comments being shovelled in this direction, and the daily barrage of Karl's strange, Autistic-shunning friend seeking help and guidance she laughingly will not give credence to. 

She is a time waster and an emotional drain.  An 'ask hole,' and unworthy of the space in my head and the indigestion she has caused. A walking whirlwind of discontent.  But, she is another story for another. No!

I've told you already, she is a drain, and I won't go there any more....never-in-a-million-years!

At any rate, I am feeling a bit more optimistic this afternoon, so I thought it might be a good time to share a little information.  Don't know how enlightening or significant you may find any of it, but here it is.

Karl's photography class is proceeding down it's slow, slow path.  It's not the sort of class he thought it would be (maybe that'll teach him to read the darned class description when mom suggests it), and it is a bit of a backward step for him, but at least he is getting outside the house once a week and having to deal with meeting new people and being in unfamiliar territory. 

We (Karl and I) had lunch with Maria in Ferndale about a week ago, and had a very nice time at a restaurant named Como's.  Always wondered about that spot every time I would pass it coming home from a film gig in the D.  Now I know! 

Thank you, Maria -- a-g-a-i-n!

I had some farm animal materials to give her (pulled from my stash, Mom) for the charm block challenge happening in the quilting guild she belongs to.  I hope she can use them, or pass them along to others who can.  Goodness knows it's all sat long enough in my collection! 

My surprise was in receiving one of her wonderful tote bags with a flap!  Made of beautiful, upholstery-like material, it's lined and has interior pockets, and a very long strap which is wide and comfy for over the shoulder use.  Thank you so much, lady, I've already had an opportunity to use it and will continue to do so!!

Been contacted for a scripty gig but most likely will be turning it down, as 'they' are unresponsive regarding questions I have, and have yet to send the script for a breakdown (production begins 10/29).  Rushing for every little scrap of time is not my ideal way of working.  Plus, the daily rate is absolute crap - AGAIN! 

Damned California production companies thinking they can undervalue MI talent while taking advantage of the incentives (what little remains of them).  I may as well continue to look for 'regular' work outside of the industry during those three weeks as opposed to all of the driving I'd be doing; spending money on gas and a place to stay, and bringing home little $ for bills and the bank.  Not worth it.  SO not worth it.

On top of all those detractors is the real issue of arranging a ride for Karl to and from class for those three weeks.  He can't afford to miss that much time....so, it's a definite "no" for this cheap Cali-indie.

Yes, Bud is still with his company, working 40 hour weeks, and they are gearing up for the holidays already - annoying music and all.  Hoping it would incentivize him to find other work while the finding is good (for his ilk), but he seems determined to stick it out at M's and continue internalizing the grief and sniping of his workmates and staff. [tsk, tsk]  He'll have an ulcer if he never leaves there.

Karl had been contacted by Target over a week ago, and had a cursory phone interview ending with the vague promise of a return call in a week's time.  Yeah, yeah...right. 

No, he hasn't heard from them again.  Yes, we know it takes time.  Yes, we are aware this particular wheel grinds slowly (if at all), but please understand how eager he is to find a job at a place he would prefer to be. 

Tall order without the Autism thrown in for good measure.  At any rate, we wait.  See? This is why I have omitted myself from blogging of late.

Tick.  Tock.   Tick.

Hope things are well for you, wherever you are.

Holy smokes!

Received a phone call from an HR person for a health care facility/hospital position I applied to yesterday!

In fact, I responded to four different positions in four surrounding cities for the same organization yesterday, and I was delighted to get the message from Brian when I walked in the door!

It's been so long since I've spoken with anyone about anything (job-wise), that I am afraid I am going to trip over my tongue.

I've already phoned in my response to the HR person's call, and left a message on her voicemail, so I guess now we wait and see how long before she gets back to me.

Prayers muttered, finger's crossed. I'll let you know how it goes - when it goes........if it goes.

Life is funny

Not "ha-ha" funny, or "odd/peculiar" funny - although it can be at times, I suppose.

No, I think I mean life is rye-ly humorous. It's mockingly clever. It's never obliging or commonsense, or without paybacks or caveats, but it's never (seemingly) hurtful on purpose - unless you're r-e-a-l-l-y asking for it.

And let's face it, shall we. There are some clowns who do ask for it.

Now, to my way of thinking, when somebody it 'asking for it,' I think life should give it to 'em right then and there, but as I said, life is never obliging, so sometimes life retribution is delayed (and sometimes delayed a bit too long in my estimation), but eventually it all comes and goes around as it is meant to.

I am not particularly enjoying my current state of standing in one place, but apparently I am not learning the life lesson I am supposed to be gleaning, so here I am! In the meanwhile, I am applying myself to learning new things; lolling about in classes and adding layers of knowledge to this youthful middle-aged mantle (and, yes, I used the correct version there), acquiring new skills to keep moving (hopefully) in a job-filled direction and perhaps toward a *new career field.*

*Sad and dreadful, but necessary in today's economy.

Anyhow, it's past the halfway mark in June, more than half of this new year is now over and gone, and while I feel ready to step into an office anywhere and begin working for the almighty paycheck once again (which I have been for quite a while), I do feel oddly incomplete. What that feeling is exactly I cannot say, so perhaps I will use this time to explore what it may be and where it's coming from.

Life is funny like that.

What a relief!

Thank God!

Since my present line of unemployment was growing pretty boring.

Phwew! That's a load off.

Next interview I go to I'll just make myself at home, and when they ask why I am so confident I'll just smile and tell them: "My fortune cookie said so!"

It all means nothing

Going back to bed.

Have a good day, everybody.

OK, ok....

...so I've not "quit."

I'm still paddling (with a very short oar).

Treading water.

I'm soaking in it.

Wallowing, even.

Geez, all this moist talk has made me suddenly incontinent. Hang on - I'll be right back.

[time passes]

Are you still here? Ah, there you are. Thanks for waiting.

There's really not much to tell, although I have been called on the carpet for seemingly throwing in the towel and not explaining myself at all. But, haven't you just ever had one of "those days?" You know the sort I mean; when the apex of stupid stuff finally hits the summit of your tolerance level and you implode (or explode, even).

Well, I finally had enough the other day and vented out here. A few of you asked, and it's funny, but in explaining the issues and my feelings, I actually felt worse after sharing the what's-its and whys, than had I just not said anything and grunted a bit to make you all go away. It felt like because it was my stuff - not making sense to others (because it's not their feelings and emotions or issues) - that it just wasn't 'stuff-enough' to have a tantrum over.

"Suck it up" is actually how I felt (and interpreted) the responses coming at me.

Between crap communication, the lack of communication from others, the inconsideration of people, the choices I have had to make recently, the bills waiting to be paid, the lack of work, etc., etc., I just needed to channel 'it' somewhere other than through an open window at my neighbors (they don't much appreciate it -- go figure). A-a-a-a-nd I'm tired of studying. [primal scream]

Anyhow, I think I am done (feeling like a poopy-head) for the time being...but we'll see.

Oh, crap, and I still can't locate my mobile phone! Argh!

*Deep breath.*

Not

There may be a lot of things that I am, not the least of which includes being: funny, intelligent, creative, outgoing, caring (for the most part), unemployed (for the time being), capable.....geez, the list could go on and on, but let's get to the point.

I am NOT: Protestant (not that there's anything wrong with that); not an Aries (I am much better than that); not a magazine reader or subscriber (well, maybe I will read through the boys' Smithsonian when it arrives); I am nobody's fool, and: I do not have an aol account!

I really don't know where these BS information sites get their intel, but it is easily 60% to 80% incorrect. The fact that they post their fiction with little fear of retribution, or care regarding damage they may do to some one's good name or reputation, exceeds all reason.

Of course, the real reason I object to this propaganda is that there are some prospective employers out there who take everything they get off the web for the 'gospel', and God help you if they really think you spend time and money surfing the web for dates or twee-itering.

Hey, Mr./Ms. Employing Entity! If you want to know something about me, ask ME!

Feeling.....'feh'

I don't know how else to describe how I have been feeling these past few days (but it may be more like weeks). Just a walking ball of poi.

Not 100% any one thing, but bits and pieces of a bunch of different feelings. Lots of conflicting feelings, too.

Bored, overwhelmed, eager, unmotivated, deflated, uncertain. *Could-give-a-rat's-patoot about anything from sun up 'til sundown any more (*could NOT think of the proper word for this particular sensation - but I know it's out there).

I am weepy and sullen, bitter and off the rails, and if it weren't for the classes, I would never leave the house (if I could get away with it). What is the matter with me that a job and a sense of purpose wouldn't cure? Where's my conviction, my self worth, my sense of accomplishment?

Don't know if I really ever had any "get up and go," but if I did, it surely got up and 'went.'

And now that the dryer is once again on the fritz, I am feeling even more defeated and heartbroken. I had a working life and a direction once, what is the point of all of this now?

Blah and feh.

Spit it out

I suppose all I am really trying to say is, I am having a hard time finding my place in the world.

How can I get others to see and value my worth when I can't recognize it in myself any more?

I can do so many things well, and I love the activities which I am good at, but getting doors to open and making those all-important connections with people who could propel me back into working status is not as easy at fifty as it would have been at 25....or even 35.

There is a/that discrimination, and I have been reminded of it all too frequently - and the longer I am out of work (as a bonafide, every day, nine-to-five employee), the harder it is to get someone to look past the work gaff....EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HAD JOBS THROUGHOUT THE DRY PERIOD!! As a filmy (someone employed on film projects) those corporate clowns don't know that to get those jobs takes skill and accumen and drive - and damn good skills - or you just don't keep finding more work. No credit is given for having been working in film.

That's more discrimination.

So, here I am, reinventing myself and acquiring new/more skills and knowledge, hoping to find a light at the end of the tunnel - a light held by a willing employer.

I just want a job that I am capable of, that I can enjoy (to some extent), that pays me a decent wage for the skills I possess, and where I won't be expected to sit still and allow them to squeeze more out of me than they are willing to pay for!

There, I spat it out....now hang on while I go get a tissue or something to wipe it up.

Jimmy cracked corn...

...and I don't care.

Doo-dah, doo-dah. O-o-o-o-h-h, dee-doo-dah day.

[expletives]

Study, study, study, study..... (rinse and repeat)

Passed weekly tests numbers three and four, but because I am enrolled in two classes - which usually run one after the other, and not concurrently - I am constantly behind the eight ball just trying to keep a little bit ahead in order to pass what would be the second of the two.

I am also scoping the terrain for a transcription course to take as soon as possible. Once May hits and Med Term and Anatomy and Health Unit Coordinator are finished, I will be available, and will have the necessary work under my belt in order to enroll and pass that class as well.

I hear transcription may be preferable to HUC work - and maybe somewhat easier to find some work, too. Either way, I guess we'll see.

For now, it's back to the books....my head doesn't feel as full as it may need to be. ;)

Burnin' daylight

Six days since the last post (hm, really?), and less than twelve hours to February. Uh-huh, really.

I think January has passed so quickly (at least in my mind it has) because the month has been extremely forgiving in the weather department (for most of Michigan). If we'd had the horrible January snow storms and harsh low temps day after day that we are used to, it would have dragged and worn on us all. But the weather has been mild all the way 'round, and I have no complaints in this department.

I have also been pre-occupied with that beast of a quilting project I've been teasing you with, so time has flown by.

There are never enough hours in the day when you want and need them, are there?

Today is gloriously sunny, and the temperature is hovering in the low fifties. Yes...LOW 50s!!!! All that snow we had special delivered is melting like nobody's business.

With the beautiful sunshine I have been stitching, stitching, stitching, and have managed to finish out the red portion!!! There's a bit of orange to get through; then the matter of some amount of questionable work I am thinking of adding to a few large open areas (which could remain unquilted, but I really feel those areas need the quilting). Oh, I hate this sort of decision.

Tonight will find me beginning a new chapter in my search for permanent, full time work, but I will have to let you know more about that in a day or two...for now I must get back to my machine. John Wayne is sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear - "You're burnin' daylight, pilgrim."

24 hours, 2 notes

It was just about this time yesterday when I watched the serving (delivery) of a notice to evict on the neighbor's home across the street - at least I believe that's what the proper term is.

Foreclosure is an unceremonious and dubious activity...and I wonder what the scoundrels who drive around and perform this activity make in a day?

Sort of like watching a repossession of an auto, but without the tow truck or histrionic person chasing after their vehicle as it disappears down the street and out of view.

The rat who performed the duty drove up to a sudden stop in a clunker automobile, exited the car looking shifty and nervous, and walked swiftly up the driveway to the front door. He never knocked but went to work taping a bright neon blue notice to the front door for all the world to see.

Looking over his shoulder several times, he then backed away from the door, turned and skulked about halfway down the drive, all the while looking for gun barrels, flying bricks and snarling dogs. I can only imagine that he has had his share of run-ins while delivering "the bad news."

Swiftly...efficiently...he drew a camera from his pocket and snapped a photo of the front of the house with the neon note fluttering against the door. Then, he raised his left arm to shoulder height and snapped another picture with his watch and a smaller note in his hand, with the house featured in the background. I guess this is 'proof' that he visited this unlucky soul and served the heinous note 'in person.'

The soon-to-be-non-homeowner cannot say that the note wasn't there, wasn't visible, wasn't.... Here was proof in living color.

Just as swiftly as he arrived, he scurried the remainder of the distance down the drive to his waiting beater, hopped in and pulled away as quickly as could be. The sound of his failing exhaust system could be heard for about a block as he retreated.

It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized there is a similar note hanging inside the screen door of the house neighboring the one just served! It isn't neon colored, but it is large print and looks very official (and very ominous).

Thank you, Lord, for my mom and her sacrifices.

While chatting

As I chatted with my mom this morning (via one of those little messaging apps provided by an email service), I was pinged by "Gary, with US.Staffing." According to the message, he wanted to be able to chat with me.

W-e-e-e-e-lllllll, Gary - if that is your real name - let's chat. Let's see if you are any more a sincerely lying recruiter than all the others who have contacted me over the last several months with promises of a job I am perfect for, but then never follow through.

Sure, having my corporate resume in your file of candidates for positions makes your portfolio of potential employees look good to a prospective client, but do I really want to give you that sort of leverage when it is never going to truly result in a job for me?

I've got your number, Gary. I have all of your numbers.

See, I have been down this particular path a dozen times already, and those other recruiters, who made me come to their offices and fill out forms and give them the benefit of a face-to-face, have never really come through. As well with the bunch of recruiters who simply did phone interviews.

There was really never any job available. It was a case of them wanting to look as though they have a raft of great candidates in their coffers, and making them look primed to aide a new client employer in finding the right person to fill an open position. The more people at the headhunter's fingertips to choose from, the better the potential new client employer likes the headhunter's chances of fulfilling the need.

SALE! Score one for the recruiter, but not for the people like me whose resumes and credentials are being used as bait to lure the client employer through the door.

I liked my chances better 10-12 years ago, when you submitted a paper copy resume either through the US mail service or the old fashioned way, by walking it through the door and handing it to someone. At least then you were the real entity and not some go-between idiot who makes money when they get you the job.

Hey, Gary! (if that is your real name) I've been awake and available for quite a while now. Let's chat, dude.

Sheesh!

Is there anything she IS happy about?

Yes, I am quite happy to have received two inquiries for (production) work, but I do wish they had come as concurrent gigs.

Of course, I do (really) wish it had been a more permanent job somewhere, with 'bennies' and a consistent paycheck (lasting more than 3-6 weeks).

I am very happy to have had the chance to talk with someone about a job.

It's just very easy to think that things could be better knowing that there is something better out there.

Knowing that I shouldn't have to settle is just a little disconcerting, but I am happy.

:^/

See.

Really.

Phone interviews

Over the summer I had several interviews - mostly with headhunter agencies looking for candidates to place in corporate contract positions.  Each one of these headhunters has told me how perfect I am for the job posting; how absolutely perfectly my experience and skill sets match the requirements for the position.

Four times now I have been grilled and phone-prodded.  Twice thereafter I have been invited to meet the interviewer in person to continue the interview process, and to fill out their hiring/work forms. 

In all four cases I have never been disappointed with their atrocious or non-existent follow-thru.  In one case I have had nothing but lip service and vague promises of next steps, with no further action or contact after the initial phone conversation.  The few times we did speak, it was to his claims of "I am going to hand your resume to my associate on Monday, he will be your go-to."  Or - "My son, with the phys-ed scholarship, has suffered a muscle tear, and my car is in the shop after and accident and I have a cold....but I will get back with you and hand your resume to my associate."  That then became "Call me on Monday after I have had a chance to visit my client and I will have more to tell you."

Of course when I did call him again on Monday, at the assigned time, he did not answer, and I ended up leaving a voice message.

And no....he has never phoned back.

What am I to take away from that message?  Why not just tell me what the issue is (if there is one) and then have nothing more to do with me?  Why leave me hanging to be chased down by my persistent phone calls and emails?

Am I just supposed to give up and vanish?  Do you think you can ride out my barrage of contact attempts until I do nothing more?  Oh no, my friend, it ain't gonna happen.  I am not going to stop playing my fiddle until you change the tune.

A number of times the story goes: "The position for which we were recruiting has been filled internally.  But don't worry, we are still going to find you something - there's work out there."

Ri-i-i-i-ght.

I'm not worried - I'm disappointed.

Phone interviews are great until they're not.  And let me tell you - you employing types - your interviews (for the most part) are triffling crap.

Another grey day

Holy smokes.  How can there be so much grey in the sky?  I sort of expect it in those wintry bleak months, when the weather turns and it is called for (you know, November, January, February), but it's September for-crying-out-loud!  Knock it off!!

Because the weather has turned so dramatically and so quickly, the leaves are already beginning that color shift thing, and a few trees are throwing off leaves as though it's time for that.  Well, it's not!

[stamping foot at Mother Nature]

I've been trying to have a material giveaway on the other blog page - TrueNorthQuilter.blogspot.com - but no one seems interested, so I am canceling it.  There are readers, but no one (except for Maria) wants the free 'fat' fat quarters.  Go figure. 

[WARNING: Don't read this paragraph if you don't like sour grapes] 
I have perused many other quilt blogs with nothing much to say, and can't for the life of me figure out why [greatly edited] they have comment after comment.  They give away material and have people begging for it.  I try to find out about the people who (I can see) are reading the blog, visiting from countries far and wide (and from right here in the US), and have no responses!  What is up with people!?

[Sour grapes are done - resume reading]

Trying to remain positive has become a second full time job...and I am failing miserably.  Everything is affected, and I am hating being around myself any more.

Any suggestions?

Labor Day, Schmabor Day - whatever

You're in the middle of another undeserved, four-day holiday away from work (if you have a job).  Enjoy it, you thoughtless bunch of beggers.

Smiling

There are so few things to smile about any more, yet I have so many things to be happy and thankful for - I find myself at odds in my own head.

I am feeling hopeless and defeated, left behind and worthless.

Unable to procure full time corporate employment on a permanent basis (oh, who am I kidding - it's not really available, except temporarily....and for young people), and with finding work in the film industry drying up like puddles in the Arizona sun, I am becoming more bereft of joy and lacking desire to step outside my front door. Every day makes less sense and leaves me feeling more like a failure.

Sadly, I have more time than I know what to do with, and still I can't make myself really do much of anything.

This is Anxiety 101, and I am the poster child.

[P.S. I know this is boo-hooing. Back off and leave me alone, I need to stop grinning like a jackal for a bit and process how I really feel. Go read a different entry if you want a chuckle. This is how I feel today. Grrrrrrr.]