Ugh

I've let myself go.

Oh boy, have I let myself go.

In fact, I've gone, come back, and left again.  Go, go, go.  Going, going...GONE!

I'm wearing years of 'another birthday fat,' 'disappointment with life fat,' 'i don't have a full time job fat,' 'ouch fat (A.K.A. 'what is that pain - i can't walk fat'),' 'what the eff has happened to my life fat,' 'eat because i want to mask the pain of reality fat,' 'why is my bladder doing that fat,' 'why didn't i recognize that was God's sign fat.' 

You name it, the fat stopped here.

Well, after eleven years of trying, falling, re-inventing, getting back up and trying again, following the trends and trying, and falling, and getting back up once more, I finally found a full time job.  Or rather, the job found me - but either way, that's a BIG "thank you," God.

No, this is not me feeling sorry for myself, it's just the unbridled realization that I am so behind an eight ball with my name written on it...bedazzled in Liberace-style rhinestones.  Like a disco ball of ugh - swinging wrecking ball-like through my life - and I have a tracking device brilliantly embedded somewhere so that I cannot duck or hide, no matter how hard I work to improve things.

How do I make myself un-go?

Is there a way to undo the damage and get back to a good place, or do I just have to start all over again from here?  Really...from here?  Right here?  Really!?

Well, I suppose there are only truly two choices then, eh.  Keep loving the chocolate and potato chips, and all of the other bad things which taste so good and make me feel better, or confront those things that hold me back, make me feel scared and incapable and unworthy.

OK, this is me telling them to get the bleep outta my way!

But just in case, does anyone have a bag of bread crumbs I can use?

Life as you know it, or life as you make it?

I have lately been absent from doing one of the things I absolutely love to do.  In fact, I've been so delinquent in taking part in one of my most favorite activities that you might think I'd given it up completely.

Well, no, I haven't.  I haven't given anything up, but I think I have nearly - almost completely - given up on... myself.

Can I trouble you for a moment to truly cogitate over that last line.  Really read the words and ponder over the differences between the first and second pieces of that statement.  You might think that that's a difference without distinction - or you may even believe there to be no difference at all - but you  know you would be wrong.

Yep, dead wrong.

In fact, I had almost convinced myself that my writing didn't matter to anyone else, so I needn't waste my time to communicate my thoughts or feelings, my musings or daily highlights, my opinions and aspirations, my successes and disappointments.  Myself.  My words.  I am lost without my words.  I am no one and nowhere without my words.

So whether anyone else reads them, whether I am communicating with the silence of the stars or flecks of dust in the sunshine, or somehow, amazingly with another human, I will write - and the words will be mine.  And if I am doing little more than saving my thoughts for myself to read years from now, so that I might remember that I did ultimately survive a horribly defeating time in my life, well then, that's enough of a reason for speaking my piece.

My words; I may couch them at times, or I may brazenly lay it all on the line.  However the spirit moves me or the winds carry me day by day, I am entitled to express myself.  Mainly, I will speak my mind and empty my heart, because to to be less than I am, to say less than I am able, to slip into silent corners and molder away is not really my style.  It shouldn't be anyone's style.  I should never have allowed myself to become less than I was meant to be.

I am a child of the most high God, and I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I am back, and I will not be silenced.  No telling how often or infrequently, but there will be words.

Fresh start(s)

My life seems to be a series of beginnings.

Lots of beginnings - some very unwelcomed ones.  Lots of very unexpected ones.  Many sought after and hard won.  Some longed for but lost, and others despised and egregious.  But all of them was a fresh start - for the most part.  Not surprisingly, those beginnings came with a price, more often than not.  On occasion they were anticipated costs - even precipitated by something I purposefully set in action - but a good number of the endings were shocks and disappointments.

Unfortunate as they were, even some of the worst endings brought about some great beginnings.  Those are the ones I would prefer to think about.  However, this is all a matter for another discussion at another time.

Currently, I am headed for two beginnings in 2016, and I couldn't be more pleased.  Although, it feels a very tempered excitement, I am eager to begin.  The first is quite obviously the beginning of the new year, but of course, you probably went there straight away, you clever reader.  The second is a new job - IN AN OFFICE - at long last.  There will be more on this development in the coming weeks, but for now, I must get busy if I am to make a dent in what needs doing over the course of the next week.

So, if you will excuse me, I need to slip away to the sewing area to start another new thing or two - a skirt and a pair of trousers.  There's also a top I've cut out and need to assemble, so I may as well get started.  It'll be nice to have some fresh clothes to wear on my first day.

By the way, I wrestled with the phrase "new beginnings", but realized a 'beginning' is actually something new, so why the need to qualify it as a 'new beginning'?

Decisions

Gee, we humans make an awful lot of decisions in a day, don't we?  Some of us have to make decisions minute by minute, and when you are driving, well.... it's goes without saying.  Suffice to say, life is a decision-making roulette wheel.

Just over a year ago I decided to go into blogging hibernation with this blog.  I have two others that I regularly write in, and since there was/is no readership on this blog I figured, "why not."  This was the first of my forays into blogging, and I hated the thought of eliminating all of the work and words that had been committed to e-paper, so I simply walked away for a while.

I hoped the time away would have helped me keep from sharing the absolute bitterness I was feeling in nearly all aspects of my life at the time.  And so it did.

Am I any less bitter?  Oh, probably not.
However, I am feeling more akin to the description I originally posted for the blog so many years ago.
I am feeling more in control and less frazzled than I have for a long time - and that's a good thing.
I feel more likely to share and (hopefully) less likely to 'vent' than I would have a year ago.

I posted once or twice from around June, and then again back in October, and realized there was still an overriding element of anger in what it was that compelled me to pen an entry.... so I stopped and took another step back.  Life had become a nemesis.

Deep breath.

So here's me, blogging once more.  It most likely won't be lots of stuff, and most definitely won't be every day, but it will be something.  If you have a curiosity about the sewing/quilting activities, you can make your way to one or both of these bloggy-type addresses:
 1) for Crazy Quilting only - www.bethsmadasahatter.blogspot.com  and
 2) for traditional block quilting updates - www.truenorthquilter.blogspot.com

I carry on at those two sites about quilting simply because anyone who loves quilting will want to be there, and some folks who have read here in the past had been critical of "quilting stuff" showing up in my everyday life/words.  Well, hey! Gee I am so sorry my interests got in the way of you reading about my life, but....thpbt!  Pardon me while I snicker at your idiocracy.

'nuff said.

Those other two blogs are full of happiness and accomplishment from the last year (and more), but if you can't handle that sort of happiness, by all means stay here. [laughing at your folly, you grumpy person out there]  This year was full enough of things to catch up on, and over time, some of it will be revealed - but much of it will fall by the wayside, and that is OK, too.  At least, it's OK with me.  I lived through it, and I know what happened.  The automotive world has their 'big three', and so do I. Mine are work, family, and other stuff.  I guess that's enough to look forward to, eh?

Anyhow, lots of stuff needs doing, and I haven't a moment to spare, so let's not dawdle here.  I will be back in a day or two to begin the recap, and if you're good, Santa will leave you a cookie or two for the new year.

Glad we're all back - this feels like a good decision.  Enjoy your day :v)

Hello, again

Not going to wait until the end of the week to post an update. Nope, instead I am going to 'steal' a moment here and fill in a blank or two, then get back to my regular programming.

Heh heh...television humor.

The big news of the week is of course - Brian's 27th birthday! 27! :vO His birthday gift to me was a haircut (his, not mine), and my gift to him was a beautiful pair of woolen socks to wear with his kilt. Hey, those bad boys are hard to come by, and are expensive. Karl bought him a large bottle of clove-infused mead after having tried it at the Renfest. Happy birthday, Brian!

School is progressing about as you'd expect. Comp I for me is going well; for Karl, it's a bit more challenging - but he seems to have a good instructor. Mr. Quincy is (so far) diligent in responding to email, and genuinely seems to care that I want Karl to succeed, and is willing to help through open communication and getting copies of notes from class to K. [insert excited, happy face here]

On the other hand, Web Design is really kicking my keester. It doesn't help that my retrograde PC (and it's outdated IE program - which I can't upgrade past IE9 in order to do the work at home) is conspiring against me. Today I will head into the lab for a couple of hours to avail myself of the tutor and the working program there. [this calls for a cheer and an "oh, crap"]

Maria is enrolled in four classes this semester - GOOD ON YA, M! I would be too, but I waited too late. Although, it's probably a good thing I get my feet wet and ease back into this sort of school work. It's not like Specs was....not by a long shot. This is REAL work, eh? I am proud of you, Maria, keep up the good work!!

Jean is now in her second year of that radiology program (YEA!), and seems to be taking more of it in stride - I think. She is a wonder, because it's a lot of work and practicum on top of it! Plus, she's working one to two days (l o n g days) per week in a radiology facility on top of it! I know it's stretching you thin, lady, but you are a champ!

Mom is mending well, the issues with swelling and pain are subsiding. It's a good thing! Thank you, Lord. And, she still has PBS on her rabbit-eared TV, so is happier than not. It's not the same as seeing some regular network programming and her favorite "Wheel" and "Jeopardy" shows, but PBS is great when that's all there is. And that's WAY better than the alternative "reality TV" BS now offered 70% of the time on the other four channels (which she can't see).

As for me, well...I am the slacker in the group, I suppose. I am teaching somewhere in the neighborhood of two classes a week (the ones that don't cancel due to low enrollment), and taking my own piddily two classes. Pfft. Yes, still sewing when I get a moment here and there, just not enough of those moments any more.

OK, so enough of this for a bit. I need to get cleaned up and ready to meet with the tutor. I'm gonna learn me some web designin'. Hooo-doggies!

And the winner is.....

..."Polished Leather."

Yup.  The paint color preferred this time for the long south wall is a very dark (but not black), deep purple-to-brown.  The difference being: THIS time, the entire length of the wall will be all one dark, rich, gorgeous color, and will be completed all at the same time.

*Crap*

I just managed to burst my own happiness bubble by remembering I also have to paint the ceiling in the dining area - as well as the living room - before I can call it 'done.'

Ah, well.  One step at a time, I guess.  One step at a time.

Polished Leather is going to look snappy with a quilt and several wonderful enlarged photographs, by yours truly, hanging all over it.  But I have to hurry along, now.  If I'm not quick about it, the coming heatwave is going to zap my momentum, I just know it, and this little project could sit undone for another [name the time frame].

Finger's crossed, photos later.

Goliath

Moved a lot of stuff yesterday afternoon in order to get to the wall I wanted to fix (and ultimately paint).  Another crack had developed around the framing of the window which once existed in the south wall, so besides the fact that the color was wrong, I also couldn't get past seeing that darned crack reappear!

In all honesty, I noticed the crack a few years back, but had turned a blind eye to it for a lot of reasons, but all of that has changed recently.  I won't go into it now, just trust me when I say I've hit my limit.

I have been ruing the day I ever began rehabbing/remodeling this typical 1950's ranch-style house.  Oh, for lots of reasons, but mainly because of all of the rotten people who I ended up trusting and hiring, and who ultimately let me down.  I am a fairly poor judge of character it appears. 

All of that a n d it seems repairing one item seems to make another two or three issues come to light.

But this morning, I awoke feeling a bit more hopeful after yesterday's burst of renewed energy. 

I moved all of the boxes of stored dinnerware (which still cannot go "home" because that space is nowhere near ready for it), began the drywall repair in a fairly big way, and pared down the color choices to paint that expanse of wall, the adjoining joist-into-hallway wall (and the living room ceiling) to no more than five colors!   Two for the overall wall, two possibles for the ceiling and maybe two for the joist (but one of those is a very strong contender)!

"That's six!", you yell.

Hey, I can count.  Don't worry, my math is sound - two of those are the same color for different purposes...so it's all good.

Trust me, this is a big change.  It's a BIG commitment.  I've had it with the 'someday' attitude I've fallen into!  I want my house back!

At any rate, with all of the moving, vacuuming, and prep cleaning, I disturbed a spider.  A wolf spider.  Hey, it was bound to happen.

In fact, it was a very large wolf spider. 

I didn't see anything of him all day yesterday, but I had my suspicions we would meet one day when I found a lot of cobweb-y stuff.

"How large?" you wonder. 

Let me just say when I caught sight of him running an Olympic sprint across the half wall very early this morning - and he was pulling a VW Beetle behind him at the time - he was astounding!  He was booking, baby! 

I mean to say he was one of the largest I had ever seen indoors or out, and superfast.  Why he stopped moving when I approached him with a shoe is beyond me; except, maybe because he has been living in this house for an apparently good long time, he was most likely used to the noises and comings and goings.  Nothing was going to faze this Godzilla arachnid, least of all a freaked out fat woman with a sneaker.

And I truly believe this spider was also probably the one who moved the frig away from the wall one night!

Yes, THAT large!  I'm telling you........even Flop wouldn't approach it, and she loves chasing down bugs and spiders when she spies one.  LOVES it!

My big fear right now is that this eight-legged behemoth may have been a mommy and not a dude.  So, do I need to worry about revenge from a hoard of angry gargantuan babies any time in the near future?

Progress

Have been spending a good deal of time and energy lately (both mental and physical) on rearranging the lower level.  It's been a long project, but is becoming well worth all of the hassle.

The ultimate goal was to free up more space for my sewing area; allowing me a larger table to work on and the floor space to move freely around it all. [squeal of delight]
Although....perhaps the ultimate 'ultimate goal' was just to be able to return ALL the material that had migrated upstairs over the past several years back to the correct storage area, and to eliminate the chaos of it all up here.

Hmmm.

In either case, it's happening! 

Over the weekend Karl and I managed to move the bulky divided storage wall-unit-thingy to it's new location (and a couple of upholstered items around), and then I got to work re-placing the massive stash back in order on the shelves - PLUS the migrated material stuffs - and it's looking promising.  Plans now are to bring the table into the mix some time this week!!  Once that happens, I will be back in business in my sewing nook - something that hasn't happened in over three+ years!!!!

Yes, that last sentence required all of those exclamation points.  This is a 'wahoo' moment, and it's been a LONG time coming - so celebrate with me!

For me, everything else has been on hold as I work my magic on the lower level (except Karl's class and looking for work).  I am eager to begin making changes in other areas of the house, but this has been the most necessary and longest in the works. IT WILL BE A WONDERFUL THING TO HAVE IT ALL FINISHED.

Let me know what you've been up to.

Maria: this means now I feel better about asking you inside my hovel. ;)

In a galaxy - far, far away

A long time ago, I taught quilting at a fabric store (a large, chain store, no longer among the 'living'), and I was pretty good at it....for being a relative newbie myself at the time.

I believe I succeeded because I wasn't afraid to try, to learn, to say I didn't know it all, to practice, to explore.  And also because I could identify so closely with the eager people interested in following suit.  We were a part of the resurgence of quilting in the mid-eighties.

Now, I'm no published guru, no award-winning, well-known, quilting household name.......yet, but I am good at the craft.

I think.

I've been sewing the better portion of my life, mostly clothing, alterations, curtains, etc., until quilting became a member of my family, so I am pretty good at it.

Well, today I opened my 'book' and started a chapter over.  I am teaching sewing at yet another retail chain giant - admittedly not what I would prefer to do, but it is work and I am making a difference in a small way (for some people).  Originally I was told the beginning sewing class would be a multitude of two, but when I arrived to set up, the number had grown to three paid attendees.

Within 10 minutes of my arrival, the class had swelled to four curious sewing-challenged individuals!

We were together for 2.5 solid hours, and I hope they learned something.  At the very least, I hope they found the desire to go on and buy machines and continue on their own sewing sojourns.

After the class I was invited to stick around for the 'open house' at the store to talk with individuals who may want to take classes as well.  You know, foster excitement, chat it up, and answer questions.

It must have worked because the education manager found me toward the end of the open house to say a good number of people signed up for sewing classes, so there would be further work for me (and other instructors) down the road. So wahoo!

On another note: there is only one more sleep 'til season three of "Downton Abbey" (to paraphrase the brilliant Muppets)!!!!!

Nobody call me tomorrow evening after 7PM EST.  There will be no one taking calls around here.  That's when I'll be on another planet - far, far way!

Operation "Omission"

I have opted over the first two-plus weeks of October to remain silent rather than rant. To practice abstention over my need to explain, or question, or expound.

I exercised silence in hopes of finding my voice once again - but it's still missing.

The feeling that I have nothing to offer persists.  Nothing that anyone would give a rat's ass about, anyway.  My melancholia is evident in spades, and I resent it!

This time of year is usually my favorite.  The cooler days; the languid afternoon sun shining down at awkward, elongated angles; shorter hours of daylight; falling evening temps; the changing colors of the trees and foliage around the yard.  It all normally buoys my spirit and raises my happiness meter to new heights.... but not this year - and I don't know why.

Over the past few weeks I have hidden away from all of my normal activities.  Found a deep recess in the attic space of my psyche and burrowed in, wholly surrendering to oblivion and ennui.  Eshewed the handful of brilliantly sunlit days (when I would normally revel in them with my quilting projects) and ignored the overabundant dark and rainy days, keeping myself cloistered and walled off from the daily disappointment of the less-than-satisfactory responses to job applications (mostly), the ignorant SPAM comments being shovelled in this direction, and the daily barrage of Karl's strange, Autistic-shunning friend seeking help and guidance she laughingly will not give credence to. 

She is a time waster and an emotional drain.  An 'ask hole,' and unworthy of the space in my head and the indigestion she has caused. A walking whirlwind of discontent.  But, she is another story for another. No!

I've told you already, she is a drain, and I won't go there any more....never-in-a-million-years!

At any rate, I am feeling a bit more optimistic this afternoon, so I thought it might be a good time to share a little information.  Don't know how enlightening or significant you may find any of it, but here it is.

Karl's photography class is proceeding down it's slow, slow path.  It's not the sort of class he thought it would be (maybe that'll teach him to read the darned class description when mom suggests it), and it is a bit of a backward step for him, but at least he is getting outside the house once a week and having to deal with meeting new people and being in unfamiliar territory. 

We (Karl and I) had lunch with Maria in Ferndale about a week ago, and had a very nice time at a restaurant named Como's.  Always wondered about that spot every time I would pass it coming home from a film gig in the D.  Now I know! 

Thank you, Maria -- a-g-a-i-n!

I had some farm animal materials to give her (pulled from my stash, Mom) for the charm block challenge happening in the quilting guild she belongs to.  I hope she can use them, or pass them along to others who can.  Goodness knows it's all sat long enough in my collection! 

My surprise was in receiving one of her wonderful tote bags with a flap!  Made of beautiful, upholstery-like material, it's lined and has interior pockets, and a very long strap which is wide and comfy for over the shoulder use.  Thank you so much, lady, I've already had an opportunity to use it and will continue to do so!!

Been contacted for a scripty gig but most likely will be turning it down, as 'they' are unresponsive regarding questions I have, and have yet to send the script for a breakdown (production begins 10/29).  Rushing for every little scrap of time is not my ideal way of working.  Plus, the daily rate is absolute crap - AGAIN! 

Damned California production companies thinking they can undervalue MI talent while taking advantage of the incentives (what little remains of them).  I may as well continue to look for 'regular' work outside of the industry during those three weeks as opposed to all of the driving I'd be doing; spending money on gas and a place to stay, and bringing home little $ for bills and the bank.  Not worth it.  SO not worth it.

On top of all those detractors is the real issue of arranging a ride for Karl to and from class for those three weeks.  He can't afford to miss that much time....so, it's a definite "no" for this cheap Cali-indie.

Yes, Bud is still with his company, working 40 hour weeks, and they are gearing up for the holidays already - annoying music and all.  Hoping it would incentivize him to find other work while the finding is good (for his ilk), but he seems determined to stick it out at M's and continue internalizing the grief and sniping of his workmates and staff. [tsk, tsk]  He'll have an ulcer if he never leaves there.

Karl had been contacted by Target over a week ago, and had a cursory phone interview ending with the vague promise of a return call in a week's time.  Yeah, yeah...right. 

No, he hasn't heard from them again.  Yes, we know it takes time.  Yes, we are aware this particular wheel grinds slowly (if at all), but please understand how eager he is to find a job at a place he would prefer to be. 

Tall order without the Autism thrown in for good measure.  At any rate, we wait.  See? This is why I have omitted myself from blogging of late.

Tick.  Tock.   Tick.

Hope things are well for you, wherever you are.

Clean up

Last night's dinner consisted of the leftover salmon, cut up and tossed into a pan of white sauce made with evaporated milk, chevre' cheese and herbs, and lightly sauteed onions and peas. All of that was ladled over Trader Joe's lemon and cracked pepper noodles.

[grunty-sigh] It was delicious! The perfect meal to end a perfect weather day.

Happiness on a plate! [sigh]

MEOW! [covered in grey velvet fur and wide green saucers for eyes]

It's early enough this morning, yet (now that fall is closer than ever, and the earth has shifted on its winter axis) that the sun hasn't begun to beam over the roof line to the edge of the porch, but Cleo doesn't know that. She can't be convinced to wait patiently, and wants what she wants - NOW. Wants what she has become accustomed to over the last four months - that after-breakfast sojourn to the "out" and her sunny spot in the grass, to roll and loll and eat and sniff the air and listen.

"Not yet," we tell her, but she trots to the door and waits; nose pressed to the seal, ears pricked and feet at the ready. If we don't move in her direction, she'll turn and give us the mournful meow, and that look.

The "I-don't-understand-what-you-don't-understand-why-aren't-we-outside-yet?-have-you-forgotten-how-to-open-the-door?" look.

It'll be at least three hours before the sun has reached the perfect position and dried her spot on the lawn enough to lie in, but you can't tell her that.

I want the "out", mom. Please. [blink]

Today will be warmer (as will tomorrow), in the mid-eighties say the weather weenies. Then, by weeks' end the temps will dip back into the seventies once more. YEA! Cool evenings and mildly temperate days - that's all I need. All I want, really; so I guess I can (sort of) empathize with the pup. [blink]

Today will consist of more cleaning up (a continuation of the past few days), de-cluttering, and bill paying. Perhaps a little more checkbook balancing, to boot!

Oh! [squeal of delight]

Dare I dream of it? Shall I utter it aloud?

Maybe even a bit of furniture reorg?

[squeal number two]

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we. Let's keep our heads, woman! 'One foot in front'...and all of that rot.

Still.......

Clean up on aisle three!

Activities

What do you do when you feel especially bitter?

I'm trying to work through my bitters by 'laying it out there' - and then cleaning.

Purging (more like).

I am mercilessly cleaning my space, and neatening the whole place, and throwing away my past cling-ons.

I am moving on - and hopefully upward, too....now that the load is lighter.

Began the purging and cleaning yesterday afternoon, and I am hopeful it will give me a clearer mind and a more positive aura (and a more peaceful heart). I need all three in the worst way.

Have a good Sunday, no matter what you are doing.

Now, where's that shovel?

Holy smokes!

Received a phone call from an HR person for a health care facility/hospital position I applied to yesterday!

In fact, I responded to four different positions in four surrounding cities for the same organization yesterday, and I was delighted to get the message from Brian when I walked in the door!

It's been so long since I've spoken with anyone about anything (job-wise), that I am afraid I am going to trip over my tongue.

I've already phoned in my response to the HR person's call, and left a message on her voicemail, so I guess now we wait and see how long before she gets back to me.

Prayers muttered, finger's crossed. I'll let you know how it goes - when it goes........if it goes.

What an absolutely horrid day. Humidity through the roof, and while it isn't in the eighties or nineties (just yet), it is just too cotton-picking hot and sticky.

Maybe I belong in Norway....or Nova Scotia.

Oh!....or Newfoundland.

Wherever it is, I certainly do not belong here, in this state...or, maybe even this country.

I would miss my sons, for I am also certain they would not want to come with me, but I would have the cats - and that's enough. Except for my mom and my kids, they are all the family I have; and what are you without family?

OK, besides 'alone,' I mean. Smart asses.

So, yes. I guess my issues today are the crap weather and my family.

Ah, I dunno, it's Michigan, after all. Let's see if things don't improve in ten minutes. And if not "improve," then at least change.

Just a feeling

Yes, the day is beginning breezy. Sunny and breezy. However, it will become blisteringly hot once again, and the AC unit nearly melted by the end of the day yesterday, so today we'll be putting out fires I'm sure! Admittedly the temperature will be an improvement over Monday (due to less humidity), but hot is hot, darn-it-all!!!!.

At the risk of repeating myself (for those who may recall), I am a hot weather pansy - I detest it! Give me that sweet spot in the weather window of temps from the upper forties to no more than 70-72*....MAX!

Yesterday was humid and horrible. Well into the 90s and abominable; and even though it seems pleasant for the moment, for some reason....today has all the earmarks of a bad day.

I don't know why. I can't explain it, but it feels off. Wrong. Dreadful.

Oooo!! The word I want is 'foreboding.'

[insert ominous music here]

I cleaned out the filters in the unit, vacuuming and rinsing them, then vacuumed the floor to eliminate the chance for immediate re-fur-ing. Moved the unit closer to the vent in the window to reduce the source of heat dispersing in the main room.

See, it is an air conditioner - a cooling unit - but it generates A LOT of heat doing the cooling thing, and all of that heat is STILL IN THE HOUSE, just concentrated closer to the venting window and the furniture in that area, and by the end of the day the room is only cool directly in front of the AC unit, and it appears as though I am shoveling dollars out the door to the electric company to cool the AC! It's ridiculous!

So, despite the obvious report of the current temp outdoors (81*F, indoors 76*), I am opting to run the attic fan until the heat becomes a tad more oppressive. The lovely little breeze has me hopeful, and had I a screen door on the front of the house, we would be treated to a wonderful full-on, robust cooling wind right now.

"Well then, Beth" what is so dreadful? Why the doom saying?" I hear you wondering.

I dunno....I said I couldn't explain it. I can't put my finger on it. The feeling is just there.

Made the stupid mistake of not cementing up the entryway to the former chipmunk condo once the activity died down, and now....that's right....you guessed it - we have another one or two inhabitants! Caught sight of at least one of them entering the hole by s-q-u-e-e-z-i-n-g in around the 4"x4" and bricks piled up in front of the gap. CRAP!

Brian has set three rat traps all around the perimeter of the opening and we have since seen two chipmunks approach several times but not enter. But since I am not into keeping vigil every minute all day long, I don't know if they've figured out a way past the gauntlet.

I am seriously considering just cementing the hole right now -- and I would, but I am afraid to pick up or move the traps for fear of setting them off and hurting myself in the process. So, I will do the cement-y deed when Bud gets home from work.

Found a cicada skin on the front stoop. It reminded me of years ago when the boys and I would head outdoors to scour the trees and bushes to find cocoons and abandoned critter skins. They are always neat to see and examine. Nature is cool!

Noticed the Butterfly Bush I have growing in the wrong spot (not enough sun) was actually more bush-like this year, even after blossoming. So there may be hope for it once I move it. However, also noticed (with some alarm), that many of the healthy (finally upright) stems were stripped of their leaves! This has never happened before. So I looked it over but could see nothing (from inside the house).

Several moments later, as I was peering out the window to spy on the chipmunk debacle/progress, I spotted three caterpillars partying down on two branches of the bush which still had foliage. Argh!

I grabbed a canister of insect killer and went to the aid of my beautiful bush only to find nine caterpillars overall having a grand time. NINE! I thought three was bad enough.

Needless to say, I am keeping a closer watch on the plant over the coming days - with my spray in my hand!

Had two rejection responses in my inbox from employment ads I had submitted to over three weeks ago. I guess no news is better than bad news, eh? It wrecked my day completely yesterday - the weather sh*t was simply frosting on a cow dung cake.

I was hesitant to open email today; not looking forward to more of the same. But, I guess it's par for the course.

Speaking of which, I really should get back to that job-hunting grind so that I can eventually get back to the quilting. More of whatever another time.

Stay cool.

Life is funny

Not "ha-ha" funny, or "odd/peculiar" funny - although it can be at times, I suppose.

No, I think I mean life is rye-ly humorous. It's mockingly clever. It's never obliging or commonsense, or without paybacks or caveats, but it's never (seemingly) hurtful on purpose - unless you're r-e-a-l-l-y asking for it.

And let's face it, shall we. There are some clowns who do ask for it.

Now, to my way of thinking, when somebody it 'asking for it,' I think life should give it to 'em right then and there, but as I said, life is never obliging, so sometimes life retribution is delayed (and sometimes delayed a bit too long in my estimation), but eventually it all comes and goes around as it is meant to.

I am not particularly enjoying my current state of standing in one place, but apparently I am not learning the life lesson I am supposed to be gleaning, so here I am! In the meanwhile, I am applying myself to learning new things; lolling about in classes and adding layers of knowledge to this youthful middle-aged mantle (and, yes, I used the correct version there), acquiring new skills to keep moving (hopefully) in a job-filled direction and perhaps toward a *new career field.*

*Sad and dreadful, but necessary in today's economy.

Anyhow, it's past the halfway mark in June, more than half of this new year is now over and gone, and while I feel ready to step into an office anywhere and begin working for the almighty paycheck once again (which I have been for quite a while), I do feel oddly incomplete. What that feeling is exactly I cannot say, so perhaps I will use this time to explore what it may be and where it's coming from.

Life is funny like that.

Holy smokes!

How is it that we are nearly half way through the year already? I swear I didn't blink, and yet....here we are!

May is all but over and June is standing at the alter like a groom. We're over halfway to Thanksgiving and I haven't even begun my Christmas shopping! [yikes] What's more, we've just had the first horrid heat snap for this year and we still have SUMMER to get to - let alone through!

Finished with (I am almost certain) the piecing on the secret quilt, but I still need to wash, cut and attach the borders, then assemble the backing. I had hoped to take it with me this weekend to roll the extra backing over the raw edges and baste that in place for the quilting process, but I still have a lot to do before I can even get it to the stretching phase! So, I am a little behind on that project. [ultra sad face]

I am taking the new commissioned quilt with me to get started on it - that is to say, the material for the commissioned quilt - to rinse out the bleeders and cut the pieces. In a week or so I can begin assembling the blocks, and it will be nice to have everything ready to go.

Karl's in-home counseling has begun - thankfully! He likes the therapist, and they have enough in common (interests-wise) that Daniel (the therapist) can start a conversation with K when it gets quiet, and somehow morph it into something productive.

There have been so many starts and stops for Karl, it's been heartbreaking. And I think he feels deep inside why even bother if nothing ever progresses past a certain point. I know I would tend to feel a little hopeless.

Changing the subject.

Went out to the garage to bring in a new container of Nesquik so I could make some chocolate milk. I bought the large econo-sized container at Costco months ago (last visit) so that it would be here when the old one finally ran out. Can't believe the mouse in the garage chewed a hole (three, in fact) through the container!! Had to throw out an entire $7 jar of drink mix!!!!!

All mice must now die!!

Guess it's time to head back to the big "C" and get more Nesquik. That's OK, we need more TP, too.

Holy smokes, things is gettin' strange.

I'll be back a little later, for now I think I should get some things done around here.

What a relief!

Thank God!

Since my present line of unemployment was growing pretty boring.

Phwew! That's a load off.

Next interview I go to I'll just make myself at home, and when they ask why I am so confident I'll just smile and tell them: "My fortune cookie said so!"

It's a beautiful morning!

Have a great day, everyone!

This begins my last week of studying, of classes, of test-taking, of stressing and worrying.

Wait. Scratch that. The stress and concern remain, but on a narrower scope. I now will only need to worry about finding a job....again....still.

LOL

My search pool has widened. LOL

Let's concentrate on what a beautiful morning it is!

Life lessons

Who teaches that course?

Brian very recently learned a valuable lesson in lost time/wasting time/bearing grudges/growing up and letting go, [YEA!] and even he admitted 'it was about time.'

I am very proud of him. [hearts and stars and happiness]

It's a tough lesson to learn, but a necessary step in growing up and moving forward. And I think we can all agree that moving forward is so very important - so very necessary.

At the same time I hate to think it is one of those skills which, once learned, is something one will have to keep utilizing as people come and go into and out of your life. It can be heartbreaking

I suppose it is ultimately better to filter your friends and acquaintances right from the get-go; to evaluate their worthiness for inclusion into your circle (trusted, inner, outer, cursory) on a continual basis, and then feel free to heave-ho the foul ones without guilt or remorse the minute they act against you or your family or friends, your sense of decency, etc.

That isn't to say that everyone you know (and like) should be your exact equal in morals and values, in intelligence and talent, in drive and determination, in status....no! But I am getting off the point.

What's new, right?

My delight in Bud finally letting go of his anger and letting this person move back into his life as a friend, to move past the pain of break up status and determine his life would be better having her in it in whatever capacity they figure out (other than sweethearts) is going to make him a better and happier person. That particular chip on his shoulder has been removed.

[sigh of deep happiness]