What a fool I've been (?)

Well, a friend posted this on her facey spacey timeline today, and it struck a familiar chord in me. 

There have been so many times over the last dozen years or so (truly, I think I've been haunted by this feeling for more like the last 20 years) where I question my level of stupidity and self-worth.

I can't recall < that sort of experience or memory, BUT I can vouch (with the help of hindsight) many times [stress M A N Y times] having been handed an opportunity that I let slip away because - as I told myself (convinced myself) - that it just couldn't be that easy.  Sometimes I can even envision myself not even letting those times 'slip away' so much as (I think) I ran from them.

MANY times something so wonderful and right up my ally, answer to my dreams, perfect for my skillsets, and *the EXACT* right thing I have always wanted to do with my life, materialized like a Stephen King fog and enveloped my path!  Like a gift, the perfect future was laid out before me and I thought to myself:

"This sort of thing just doesn't happen like this.  There must be a catch...or, this is a trick of some sort.  I'll be sorry if I accept the opportunity because it is just too good to be true."

Hindsight has slapped me hard, and I feel the splinters from God's 2x4 between my eyes.  I have been inattentive to His gift many times over because I did not feel the love with the offer, I only felt the shame of not being worthy.

I can only pray for one more chance, one more love tap of His 2x4 - one more chance to say, "Yes! Thank you."  

Do you think it will happen?  Will I recognize it for what it is and take the leap?

Does God love fools (enough)?

Ugh

I've let myself go.

Oh boy, have I let myself go.

In fact, I've gone, come back, and left again.  Go, go, go.  Going, going...GONE!

I'm wearing years of 'another birthday fat,' 'disappointment with life fat,' 'i don't have a full time job fat,' 'ouch fat (A.K.A. 'what is that pain - i can't walk fat'),' 'what the eff has happened to my life fat,' 'eat because i want to mask the pain of reality fat,' 'why is my bladder doing that fat,' 'why didn't i recognize that was God's sign fat.' 

You name it, the fat stopped here.

Well, after eleven years of trying, falling, re-inventing, getting back up and trying again, following the trends and trying, and falling, and getting back up once more, I finally found a full time job.  Or rather, the job found me - but either way, that's a BIG "thank you," God.

No, this is not me feeling sorry for myself, it's just the unbridled realization that I am so behind an eight ball with my name written on it...bedazzled in Liberace-style rhinestones.  Like a disco ball of ugh - swinging wrecking ball-like through my life - and I have a tracking device brilliantly embedded somewhere so that I cannot duck or hide, no matter how hard I work to improve things.

How do I make myself un-go?

Is there a way to undo the damage and get back to a good place, or do I just have to start all over again from here?  Really...from here?  Right here?  Really!?

Well, I suppose there are only truly two choices then, eh.  Keep loving the chocolate and potato chips, and all of the other bad things which taste so good and make me feel better, or confront those things that hold me back, make me feel scared and incapable and unworthy.

OK, this is me telling them to get the bleep outta my way!

But just in case, does anyone have a bag of bread crumbs I can use?

For you relatives who drop in occasionally

My mom asked me to write a handful of folks (relatives) to let them know how she was doing, and to also inform them that she would be offline and fairly unreachable by phone for a bit.

So I did this.

I was to let them know she wouldn't be jumping to her feet to answer the phone, and that sitting at her PC to correspond would be next to impossible for her (for the foreseeable future). I was to let them know this so they wouldn't be worried or offended or upset should they not receive responses from her in a timely fashion.

Well, I did it in my way, BCC-ing those on the list. It's just what I do (a holdover from my corporate days), and apparently some peoples took this as a personally pointed message - an affront, if you will. Their panties are in a bunch and mom is probably on a couple of poop lists because of it.

Well...I'm sorry!

If you're ticked off, if you're a little honking mad at my messages, well...then blame me, and leave mom out of your nasty little blah, blah, wah, wah sessions. Do what one person did and respond with a nastygram to me. I can handle it, and it's totally my issue anyhow.

But g e e z, try a little understanding and stop taking everything so personally maybe, will ya? The world doesn't revolve around you, because it's too busy in my orbit. [schmarmy sarcasm intended]

Challenges

A friend on a social network site challenged people to use one word to describe their 'ex.' Some folks answered directly and quickly, and some of them wrote paragraphs based on the answers of others.

I was neither of those; I asked whether or not I could hyphenate my answer - because one word was not going to accomplish the task.

Disappointing.
Underwhelming.
Philanderer (although "cheater" sounds clearer).
Abusive.
Drunkard.
Hurtful.
Lackluster.
Unfaithful.
Serial liar.
Uncommited.
Thoughtless.

Those are the most immediate thoughts which popped into my mind, but a more fitting word would be "regretful".

No, he has/had no regrets - rather, the regret is on my part.

I regret having continued with the marriage past the birth of my first son; I regret allowing my inlaws to sway my feelings to the point of closing my eyes to the big/bigger issues (a familial history of drinking to excess); I regret wanting to believe his lies and excuses when caught redhanded with evidence of cheating; I regret allowing myself to feel guilt with thoughts of leaving him to begin a happier life (which I should have done sooner); I regret marrying him in the first place, and not insisting upon one of several other options we could have embarked on (and no, abortion was not one of those).

So many regrets. More than I've listed here. More than I care to indulge in here, but this would be my list of words, any one of them appropriate, but not enough. Not completely, at any rate, but "regretful" comes closest, I suppose.

I am trying to put him out of my mind, trying to make up for lost time, trying to let go of those regrets.

This is a challenge.

C'mon!

My shovel....really!??!

I suppose I should just be happy *they* didn't take the wheelbarrow.

[grump]

How do you get an orange-yellow spot off a paint job?

Without having to paint over it, that is.

If you've been keeping up over the past several months you will know we have had a moth rash (or is it a 'rash of moths'?).   And if you have kids (or men) around the house you will totally recognize the ick-factor of bug remains on your ceiling and/or walls after one of them kills a mosquito or fly, etc.

If your menfolk (or kids) are anything like mine, they leave whatever remains of those remains on the surface on which those pests were creamed. 

"Creamed" being the operative word, here.

"A-ha!" you say, "I think I know where you're going."

Yes, I am certain you most likely do.

So my living room ceiling, while fairly clean, still holds some bug spackling from recent summers...and I added to it this morning.  But, I did clean the smear off straight away!  I did!!  I simply used a poor choice in paper product to dampen and wipe it with.  Doggoneit!

Yeah, my advice to all you fastidious homeowners who want to clean a moth imprint off of a painted surface need to know: DON'T USE A DAMPENED PRINTED NAPKIN FROM SUBWAY!

I cleaned off the moth stuff, but left a golden yellow sun-like stain in its place.

So how DO you get an orange-yellow spot off of a painted surface - without re-painting it, that is?

Oh, dear Lord

HOW do you make children - who, by the way, AREN'T r e a l l y 'children' any more so much as they are grown men (sort of) in their mid-twenties - listen to you say something intelligent and meaningful, and not hear it as a criticism?

For instance:
The boy's car has an ongoing problem with the catalytic-converter-to-muffler/exhaust system, wherein about once a year (every 18 months if he's lucky) the damn thing begins to get noisy, then the crack which inevitably develops at the point of contact between the large exhaust piece and the just gives way, and the symphonic sounds of three tricked-out Harleys emanates from under his vehicle.

Did I ask him to have it looked at when I first detected the decibel level rising a few days ago?  YES

Did he use any of his free time to call the mechanic to get it going sooner rather than later?  NO

Has it completely broken?  Yes, YES IT HAS!

Is he grousing and acting as though the world has it in for him?  Oh, yes...yes he is.

And I'm the bad guy for simply broaching the subject of using today for looking into it.

Whoooo boy!

After having just spent more than 4.5 hours helping Bud re-write his resume, I need a drink!

I don't think tea is going to cut it.

Bartender!

Still cranky

Yes, I am still cranky over the (substitute) mail carrier 'creasing' my mailbox, and I know I will be EVERY time I have to use that very bent handle to attempt opening the flap to retrieve my mail.

My eldest cat has gone painfully hard of hearing (which has become very evident over the past two months), and I feel awful for her; seeing us move our mouths and looking her way, and wondering what has gone wrong.  I can't imagine the grief this must cause her little brain.  What cruel trick are we humans pulling on her that she has no noise to accompany the sights she is used to?  Poor old dear.

Brian has been sick, but seems to have thankfully avoided the flu-ish portions of it all.  He is still very stuffed up and somewhat congested, but also seems to be on the mend.  Hooray!

Karl passed his second Algebra test with a 90%!  He says he is feeling more confident in class, and is able to spot when he gets to a section of the homework where the instructor hasn't yet gotten to in class. [happiness]

The thrill of K's success in class is somewhat offset by the little demon she-beast who stalked him last year; who once was a friend but became quite twisted and bossy, displacing her frustration with me (long story) onto him, and emotionally hampering Karl on a daily basis.  He finally got wise and cut her off, cut her loose, tuned her out and moved along.  It was a hard (but good) lesson for him, and he sailed through it with a modestly small amount of discomfort overall. 

However, she now seems to have found him on campus and narrowed in on his routines, haunting his route and yelling out taunts as he walks by.  Odd that she wasn't in these locations for the five+ weeks of class which have passed from the beginning of the semester to now, so I have to wonder what may be next.  Stay tuned.

Yesterday was sunny and enjoyable, but today is back to cold, grey, and snowy.  Tomorrow is to be a mix of snow AND rain along with the low temps (WHY??), and I feel moved to admit I am quite tired of it all.

Busily working on a number of projects; my intentions are to have one - if not two - items to enter into the next AQS event for 2013.  Also have another Sewing 101 class added to my calendar for the very beginning of March, but if I have not received payment for the remaining 9 classes I have lead since mid-January up to now, I will be turning down anything further.  Perhaps this will light a fire under their payroll department (and anyone else who needs to keep up-to-date in making my payments appear in a more timely fashion).

One can dream.

More another time, at present I am feeling muddled and need to step away from the keyboard. Ciao!

Half done with the month

Yup, December is now on the downward side of the proverbial 'hill.'  One good push and the month is done, and the year is over!

Hallelujah.

What a craptastic year it's been, too. 

On the plus side, Karl took a photography class, attended all but one session, AND turned in ALL assignments either by or before the due dates!  Phew....but YEA!  Grade point average slides up a notch. :)

What's more, his instructor will be happy to write him letters of reference in order to find possible employment with a photography studio - to do retouching, mending of old photos, etc.  If not direct employment, then as a contracted or referred commodity to get one-off jobs from people looking for a service the studios don't do themselves.  :)

Furthermore, Karl has also decided (on his own) to take an "educational" class.  That is to say, he decided it was time to throw an academic course into his studies, in order to begin rounding out his requirements to complete his AA degree!  This is PROGRESS!

Thank you, God, for little (big) nudges.

The time has come

I am excited to say the time has finally arrived for the first entry of my lovely PQ1 into a competition!

Deadlines were missed late last year/early this year because of film jobs and a number of classes butting in during what would have been prime finish-that-quilt time.

So I sat expectantly on my precious "egg", waiting for JoAnn Fabric to start the entry period for their third annual "Quilt Your Colors" contest.  Since their requirements were that every scrap of material used in the creation of your entry HAD to be purchased from them, I was limited to what colors I used to build my beautiful quilt.

When I couldn't finish in time for the 2011 contest, I consoled myself with the thought that it would be ready (and so would I) for the following year...I just had to keep it under wraps until then.  NOT an easy thing to do given how proud I am of the way it turned out.

Patiently I waited for the end of summer for the first announcements to appear - and the sign-up period - but it didn't come.  I called and emailed their corporate office to ask the question again and again.  "When will the contest be announced?"

As it turned out, the answer was "never." 

They could have said that MONTHS ago!  If they had, I could have been teaching and drawing an income all summer/fall/now! 

You see, employees cannot enter their contest, and I am certain PQ1 is a winner.  I thought that once it won, then I could teach at JAF and enter the quilt in other competitions around the US, or internationally.

Sadly, now they are no longer in need of quilt instructors at the three closest stores, so here I am at square one - BUT....

The deadline for entry into the AQS competition is literally around the corner, so I am earnestly readying my paperwork and photos, and trying to finish up a secondary piece to enter at the same time.  Monetarily it is the best thing to do.  If I can't get the second offering done by the 15th, I am OK with only entering PQ1 this time around.

Yes, normally this would have been the sort of thing I post at www.truenorthquilter.blogspot.com , however, since it is a cross of mild ranting, a bit of a daily update, and of interest to me (my life, my blog, etc.), this is where I chose to post it.

Photos of the secondary quilt entry can be seen on the quilt blog (listed above), but photos of PQ1 won't be made available until March.  When you see it you'll understand why.

;)

Signs

Do you believe in 'signs'?

I don't mean "stop," "yield," "school zone," and so on.  I mean the sort of sign that fate - or the universe - hands you from time to time.

The sort of OBVIOUS smack upside the head with a two-by-four (proverbially or otherwise) that makes your inner squirrel sit up and say "huh?"

Ah-haaaa -- I sense some of you nodding with understanding. 

The lightbulb finally went on, did it? ;)

Well, all the powers that be took the time to get together in order to whallop me across the face with the biggest, stinkiest, wet fish ever to get this point across.

"What point?" you ask.

POINT: I am not to be doing script supervision any more - ESPECIALLY in the state of Michigan - and here's how I know:



Oh yes............crystal clear!

I mean, when your Rockports BOTH blow out...in EXACTLY the SAME place...on the SAME EVENING, while scaling the same rocky, re-bar-treacherous, asbestos-covered, cold rooftop of a derelict and arson-riddled building in Detroit, that's when you know the universe (and God - and His friend, Fate) want you to stop doing something.

Your wish is my command. [bowing]

Everybody say "oopsy"

If you read here periodically you may remember that one of our cats has had health issues pertaining to her urinary system.

Cleo (Brian's cat) has had struvite crystals (akin to kidney stones), which was always an odd coincidence since Brian has had (and continues to be plagued with) stones.

At any rate, over the last year - give or take - Cleo has run into another issue, which we've managed to hurdle as a family on those 'crappy' occasions.  She becomes blocked (not constipated), and when that happens, our first warning of a bumpy day to come begins with her violent vomiting and extremely hot ears; continual, fruitless trips to the cat box; quiet whimpering; butt crawling; malaise; straining and dripping butt mud. 

It's a long road for her, but it finally culminates in a large stool or two.

We try to keep her cordoned in a small area and we line the floor with layers of newspapers.  We supply a small, make-shift cat box for her mental comfort, and keep her company and give her support when the going becomes extra rough.  When she begins to leak wet stool ("dripping butt mud"), I clean her bum after each try at evacuating stool - for this I am licked furiously, but lovingly.  Eventually, she is able to go.

She won't accept milk, and rarely drinks water while having an episode.  It's a wait-and-see ordeal, usually resulting in positive results anywhere from four to six hours after it begins.

She very recently had one of these bouts and I read online where a vet recommended a small amount of Metamucil be added to water and/or food to help 'grease the wheel.'  So, we rushed to the store and bought our girl a small supply, and hours later (after adding it to very wet canned food), plop went the weasel!  It was also suggested that canned pumpkin or mineral oil be added to the diet on a fairly regular basis.   Well, one of these will be added right away to keep her from suffering like this again.

We were so relieved for her that I lay down on the sofa with Cleo and we took a catnap.  However, before we closed our eyes, I neglected to pick up the small container of Metamucil-spiked water, and I awoke to the sounds of one of the other cat lapping at the water!

Um....oopsy.

What you need to keep in mind

Filmwork.

What 'they're' thinking (above the line):

"I've got no problem with using you.

I have no interest in helping you.

I'll soon be forgetting you."

Just a feeling

Yes, the day is beginning breezy. Sunny and breezy. However, it will become blisteringly hot once again, and the AC unit nearly melted by the end of the day yesterday, so today we'll be putting out fires I'm sure! Admittedly the temperature will be an improvement over Monday (due to less humidity), but hot is hot, darn-it-all!!!!.

At the risk of repeating myself (for those who may recall), I am a hot weather pansy - I detest it! Give me that sweet spot in the weather window of temps from the upper forties to no more than 70-72*....MAX!

Yesterday was humid and horrible. Well into the 90s and abominable; and even though it seems pleasant for the moment, for some reason....today has all the earmarks of a bad day.

I don't know why. I can't explain it, but it feels off. Wrong. Dreadful.

Oooo!! The word I want is 'foreboding.'

[insert ominous music here]

I cleaned out the filters in the unit, vacuuming and rinsing them, then vacuumed the floor to eliminate the chance for immediate re-fur-ing. Moved the unit closer to the vent in the window to reduce the source of heat dispersing in the main room.

See, it is an air conditioner - a cooling unit - but it generates A LOT of heat doing the cooling thing, and all of that heat is STILL IN THE HOUSE, just concentrated closer to the venting window and the furniture in that area, and by the end of the day the room is only cool directly in front of the AC unit, and it appears as though I am shoveling dollars out the door to the electric company to cool the AC! It's ridiculous!

So, despite the obvious report of the current temp outdoors (81*F, indoors 76*), I am opting to run the attic fan until the heat becomes a tad more oppressive. The lovely little breeze has me hopeful, and had I a screen door on the front of the house, we would be treated to a wonderful full-on, robust cooling wind right now.

"Well then, Beth" what is so dreadful? Why the doom saying?" I hear you wondering.

I dunno....I said I couldn't explain it. I can't put my finger on it. The feeling is just there.

Made the stupid mistake of not cementing up the entryway to the former chipmunk condo once the activity died down, and now....that's right....you guessed it - we have another one or two inhabitants! Caught sight of at least one of them entering the hole by s-q-u-e-e-z-i-n-g in around the 4"x4" and bricks piled up in front of the gap. CRAP!

Brian has set three rat traps all around the perimeter of the opening and we have since seen two chipmunks approach several times but not enter. But since I am not into keeping vigil every minute all day long, I don't know if they've figured out a way past the gauntlet.

I am seriously considering just cementing the hole right now -- and I would, but I am afraid to pick up or move the traps for fear of setting them off and hurting myself in the process. So, I will do the cement-y deed when Bud gets home from work.

Found a cicada skin on the front stoop. It reminded me of years ago when the boys and I would head outdoors to scour the trees and bushes to find cocoons and abandoned critter skins. They are always neat to see and examine. Nature is cool!

Noticed the Butterfly Bush I have growing in the wrong spot (not enough sun) was actually more bush-like this year, even after blossoming. So there may be hope for it once I move it. However, also noticed (with some alarm), that many of the healthy (finally upright) stems were stripped of their leaves! This has never happened before. So I looked it over but could see nothing (from inside the house).

Several moments later, as I was peering out the window to spy on the chipmunk debacle/progress, I spotted three caterpillars partying down on two branches of the bush which still had foliage. Argh!

I grabbed a canister of insect killer and went to the aid of my beautiful bush only to find nine caterpillars overall having a grand time. NINE! I thought three was bad enough.

Needless to say, I am keeping a closer watch on the plant over the coming days - with my spray in my hand!

Had two rejection responses in my inbox from employment ads I had submitted to over three weeks ago. I guess no news is better than bad news, eh? It wrecked my day completely yesterday - the weather sh*t was simply frosting on a cow dung cake.

I was hesitant to open email today; not looking forward to more of the same. But, I guess it's par for the course.

Speaking of which, I really should get back to that job-hunting grind so that I can eventually get back to the quilting. More of whatever another time.

Stay cool.

Homecomings

And I don't mean high school homecomings. I'm talkin' about the type of arrival home you experience after some extended away time.

Homecomings follow vacations - usually (or trips to states a distance away for....a funeral, as an example, or a family reunion).

If you're a working person - and you travel as a part of your job - then homecomings happen as a part of your every day life. If you're not a working person (but you desperately want to be), homecomings most likely occur far less often than you may like.

And let's face it, there are those among us who never leave home. Some folks don't like to travel farther than they have to for groceries (let alone traverse more than an hour or two for a visit), and so they never go through any of the exhilaration and/or disappointment one can have upon returning home.

Well, I arrived home yesterday after a few days away (by the way, thank you Barb and Jean for dragging my sorry butt to Traverse City with you) to find a bit of cooling chaos happening in the house.

Even after writing down express directions for what order to follow in relation to the AC unit versus the attic fan....and the windows....and all of that, the two boys still couldn't get it together enough to follow through on the process - each blaming the other for the windows being closed, the AC running at full bore and the attic fan pulling what little cold air existed right out of the house! Now, couple that with the failure of the tape to hold the insulation against the top of the window (so that the hot steamy air being pulled from the house was blown right back in through the open window. We had a small collection of bugs indoors as well!) Had they periodically checked the tape and applied a little muscle to stick it firmly back in place, some measure of cooling and dehumidifying would have occurred.

Yeesh.

All I could see were the dollar signs blowing out the window and being sucked out the ceiling fan.

Happily, the place did not smell like a pee palace (meaning, there wasn't a cat box odor prevailing), so that was a huge plus. But I didn't handle the whole AC/window/fan debacle well, and I went a little crazy on Karl for not following the written (and practiced) directions or for using some common sense.

It wasn't a very good homecoming I'm afraid, and I am sorry that B&J had to be here for it.

Jeez. Guess we need a lot more practice on the day-to-day stuff before I can run away from home again (or ever).

Life is funny

Not "ha-ha" funny, or "odd/peculiar" funny - although it can be at times, I suppose.

No, I think I mean life is rye-ly humorous. It's mockingly clever. It's never obliging or commonsense, or without paybacks or caveats, but it's never (seemingly) hurtful on purpose - unless you're r-e-a-l-l-y asking for it.

And let's face it, shall we. There are some clowns who do ask for it.

Now, to my way of thinking, when somebody it 'asking for it,' I think life should give it to 'em right then and there, but as I said, life is never obliging, so sometimes life retribution is delayed (and sometimes delayed a bit too long in my estimation), but eventually it all comes and goes around as it is meant to.

I am not particularly enjoying my current state of standing in one place, but apparently I am not learning the life lesson I am supposed to be gleaning, so here I am! In the meanwhile, I am applying myself to learning new things; lolling about in classes and adding layers of knowledge to this youthful middle-aged mantle (and, yes, I used the correct version there), acquiring new skills to keep moving (hopefully) in a job-filled direction and perhaps toward a *new career field.*

*Sad and dreadful, but necessary in today's economy.

Anyhow, it's past the halfway mark in June, more than half of this new year is now over and gone, and while I feel ready to step into an office anywhere and begin working for the almighty paycheck once again (which I have been for quite a while), I do feel oddly incomplete. What that feeling is exactly I cannot say, so perhaps I will use this time to explore what it may be and where it's coming from.

Life is funny like that.

A bit of good news with that hard lesson learned

Brian took his car to a mom-n-pop collision shop at the behest of his usual car repair mechanic - this we did yesterday morning.

After a long day (and night) of not hearing from anyone, he was awakened this morning with a call from the owner who had news of the final cost for the repairs.

I had figured the price tag would be around three thousand dollars, and Brian had imagined the cost to be a good deal higher. Happy to say that even though three grand is a lot of out of pocket money to have a car made whole again, it wasn't as bad a total as Brian had braced himself for, and it left him feeling happily relieved.

Oh, yeah....the cost is $2900+change.

Cha-ching!

Maria and regrets & thanks & what was I thinking?

So, yesterday I let myself be spirited away....from studying. HA!

No, actually, I willingly walked away from it in the late afternoon to meet up with Maria and gab for a bit. Something I've been wanting to do for some time, now.

WARNING: Digression ahead

You know those things you want to do - mean to do - and they just keep finding the wrong end of a long stick. You keep shaking that stick and breaking off the tip to make it shorter, but somehow it always manages to grow at the thicker end? It just never gets shorter and the tasks never get easier or more pleasant. Do you know what I mean?

Do you?

Well, I should've just turned my 'stick' around and grabbed the big end a long time ago and made myself happy for a while. Thank you, Maria, for ALWAYS being such a kind and understanding (and seriously forgiving) human! I do not deserve you.

See, Maria is my never-get-to-end. I don't know why, and I don't want her to think I am intentionally (or, unintentionally) taking her for granted.

Well, anyway, she was up in my neck of the woods Wednesday to look for an outfit for a funeral she'll be attending this weekend. She phoned ahead to ask if I would like to join her (and I did, I DID want to), but in my infinite ignorance I declined, because I thought I needed to keep my head buried and follow my usual routine of study, study, study to get these three chapters (OK, two chapters and one long additional unit) into my head a bit deeper; and to work through the remainder of the workbook assignment also due this week - I'm still not done with the writing portion.

I keep telling myself I need to continuously review and not stray from my routine. Well....PHE! Do you know I spent equal amounts of time trying to concentrate and feeling like a heel, wondering why I simply didn't just get up and go.

What I managed to do was to refuse myself the luxury and fun and privilege of Maria's good company and to catch up - I mean really ask those questions I have wanted answers to about how she is and how stuff is transpiring in her life.

What was I thinking?

Well, the time was entirely too short, and M was about as lovely and gracious as ever, and I still managed to not inquire about her hand - how it's healing - and to get into what she meant by "friend-ing her", because I can't find her on the myfaceyspaceypage-thing-a-majig.

Ah, well. Things left for the next time - which will happen sooner rather than later, and will be in her neighborhood...because I want to see her new house - whatever phase it's in currently! I want her to show me the gardens and activities she's been involved in since she took her Master Gardening course!

Lastly, I want her to know that I am very thankful for the impromptu grub she treated me to so we could sit and eat and catch up before she went back to the city and I buried myself once more in my books and forms.

THANK YOU! Next time this little sister gets the check! Oh yes I am!

OK, now I really have to get back to work. Sheeeeeeeeeez-ah!

Abundance

How do you interpret abundance?

The dictionary says: "plentifully supplied."

Do you recognise abundance in your own life? In yourself?

Can you find it in yourself?

Do you stop every once in a while to give thanks for it, or do you simply suppose you are entitled to what you have and blithely ignore the very real possibility that it could be lost to you - through any means - in the wink of an eye?

Do you just have it figured that since you worked hard to create and build your piles of [whatever] that they are yours, and unless you give them (it) away, nothing or no one can touch it??

I know I gave thanks for the job I had; for the upward growth and opportunities; for the unimagined income that came from working hard and changing directions and taking on new challenges. I know I never took it for granted.

There were many moments when I would look over my shoulder and wait for the other shoe to drop. It felt too good (not the fearful waiting but the great job and unexpected pay), not like I had earned it. That was a wonderful mystery, although I did recognize I had been graced with bosses who saw my worth in the beginning.

Just being in the right place at the right time was all it took, but I knew it could be gone in a heartbeat. I just didn't know that instead of 'dropping,' that other shoe would be flung at my head!

When that life ended, I do know that I was thankful to have been able to put away money to have as a "rainy day fund." I had been fortunate. I was grateful to have had the cushion in my paychecks to be comfortable and pay bills, and live life without squandering or having to scrape by like so many others.

I was delighted to have money to bank and count on in case of some emergency.

Who knew the 'emergency' would last half a decade?

Throughout all this time (the job drought) I have taken chances on idled dreams and what-ifs (by the way, "what-ifs" are better undertaken when you are younger so that there is not so much water under the bridge and so many wrinkles on your face). I have tried new things, walked new avenues and started at square one several times over - and have had a blast (and tears) in the attempts and the successes - short-lived though the successes may have been.

Currently, I am starting another path, and not one I am keen about, but one that should at least garner me a steadier job, possibly with benefits, and an ongoing paycheck for more than the run of a film project.

My abundance here? The working mind and body which God has graced me with, and the creative energy and talents imbued in me. My ability to learn and adapt is also a gift I treasure and put to good use. My beautiful mother who has made the ultimate sacrifice and kept the wolf from my door and the food on our table. My friends and extended family, few and powerful, who stand in my corner and cheer me on and believe in me - even when I have doubts in myself and fears which overwhelm me. My children who love me unconditionally and give me encouragement from time to time.

I am rich in my adversity.

Yes, I recognise my abundance, and I give thanks to God for His love and grace. May He be as good to you.