Things I accomplished v. what I didn't get done

I seem to be stuck in a lull. Job-opportunity-wise, job-hunt-wise, to-do list ticks, quilting work, writing, cleaning...it all seems to have hit a wall. A large brick wall, covered with a thick concrete coating, fortified with re-bar and the skeletons of expectation and doubt. And that's all wrapped in never-ending links of barbed wire and electrified fencing. Then, heaped high on top of it all, is a hefty helping of could-give-a-shit to round it out nicely.

Can you picture that? Can you see where I am sitting?

What has me feeling this way? Why the melancholy? I don't know. It's as if I can't remember the good days and opportunities God has given me here and there over the last year or so.

Every day is tough, and I haven't been one day completely happy in the last three and one half years, because I know no matter what, the happiness and satisfaction of 12 or 24 hours is gone and undone by the next day of uncertainty and unemployment. At the end of a great three week gig is nothing...and I am tired of nothing.

So today, out of my list of needful things to get done, I only managed two of them. Two! Why didn't I push harder, keep the ball rolling while I was in that mode? I dunno.

I read Maria's (a dear friend and a beautiful soul) last three or four blog entries, and I was sincerely touched to find she had mentioned me as something of an inspiration...because I just keep soldiering on in the industry. I find small gigs here and there, and squeeze myself into a new mold just to get work by hook or by crook, but I have to admit I feel so defeated most of the time.

Yet, here she is, starting over after decades of service to the City of Detroit in the DPD, and she sings my praises? Maria has jumped through hoops and attended a year's worth of instruction in alternate energy to become remarkably marketable at a time where the economy is listing and jobs are scarce. But she is putting herself out there and trying to be where it is happening, in the real world, in order to put money in her pocket and food on the table. Despite not getting the nod from two employers, she had a glowing recommendation from an instructor - and that means a lot. She is going places - and she always does it with a smile on her face and a kind word or thought for someone else.

Here, at least I can accomplish one other thing that I have been meaning to do for quite some time.

Thank you, Maria, you are a blessing from God.