The 5th of April, already...and one week from ending classes at Specs. How the heck did that happen?
I am only 1/3 of the way ready for this last week, but with so much yet to tape and edit, and then the necessary reviewing for the finals...I am feeling a little overwhelmed. Not so much with the test portion, really...but the compilation and polishing of the FCP demo tape we need to get done. Everything surrounding that is just - well...too much. No time, and too little equipment for the people who need it. Oh, and let's not forget my FCP inexperience.
Well, as much as I have tried (and am still attempting) to be totally prepared for having my demo done, et.al, it seems - when you come right down to it - what will be is never really (just) in your own hands...is it? I mean, in nearly everything, there are many other factors and agendas (and ego's, etc) which can simply turn your plans ass-end-over-tea-kettle upside down and inside out...leaving you with sawdust and smoke and a lump in your throat. Sometimes, I've found, it even leaves you with a hole where your heart should be. Sad, but true. You can draw out plans and diagrams, and write a script, train your team to follow the dance steps carefully, but you can never figure for the simplest things to go wrong. And it's always the simplest things which knock your feet out from under you hit you right between the eyes. So, for the things I can control...things that my classmates couldn't jeopardize or waylay, I am OK. It's just...
Stress.
Stress I don't need.
Add that to the honest-to-goodness need of a job so that I don't lose my house...and it truly is more than I am emotionally ready to bear.
Oh, and I so need to get my taxes done.
Spoke with my mom, who is again not in favor of me going to Detroit and doing what I need to do - get video footage for my demo edit. Seriously!
"You don't need to be running all over doing this. Especially down there. Just use what you already have...I know you have a huge collection of pictures, why not use those?"
I tried to explain that I could drop in photos here and there, but by and large this needs to be a video (live action) sort of project.
"Well, what about your stuff from that Kodak thing on Belle Isle?"
We haven't received yet, I tell her, although it was promised to be in [my] hands in two weeks. That was one week ago (it's now over a week overdue, and I am anxious. I had been looking forward to being able to place that lovely gem into my demo edit.
At this point, I am fighting back a lump in my throat. Can't she just empathize?
"You know, you have a problem with wanting things 'just so'," she tells me. "Maybe this time you can't have your exacting standards. And it's not as though anyone is going to know. It's not as though this is for a job, or anything."
Now the tears are stinging the rims of my eys, threatening to fall and ruin my careful make-up and spot the front of my shirt. I begin to think of an upbeat thought....like the fact that my camera work was so good, most of the team members are using it for their projects. However, when you say "camera operator" or "photographer/cinematographer", and then do not include any of your own work...I think there is a problem.
Also, someone from a different team edited my gas station footage from the "scavenger hunt" project the class began Q4 with, into his demo camera claim. I called him on it with an instructor sitting there. The fact is, that I shot most of the second day's footage going from location to location, and he performed the camera work at the tail end of the day...the E-85 shots and closing gas sign - and that's all (he also shot the talent stand-up and earliest b-roll interviews the day or two before).
Going to do dishes, because thinking back on the events of the day - all of them - and anticipating the last week is really beginning to wear on me.
Please, God...Father in heaven, I need a job. Please open a door for me...my life is in Your hands.
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