Good news

[Drum roll]

The new car is in the driveway! [cymbol crash] Still can't believe it; every time I look out the window and see it sitting there I have to do a doubletake.

The boys have told me to stop, though, because they say it looks creepy.

And then, if that wasn't enough, I opened my email for the 100th time yesterday afternoon and found the BEST kind of email! "Hey, Beth, if you are still available, we'd like to hire you for the production."

It must be a rather short film, or they are only filming a portion of it in MI, either way I am 'booming' on a feature!!

Thank you, God, for your blessings.

It's a refrigerator once again

The dog barely made it down the stairs to let me know that it was time for breakfast when my feet hit the floor, because my bladder had already summoned me from bed for the day. The air felt extremely cool, and I liked it!

I heard the attic fan chugging away upstairs, and I could tell the overnight temperature drop really (finally) made it's way into the house and did it's thing! We might make it through the day in a bubble of coolness. At least it was not sticky from the humidity (for the time being)! The weekend is going to be very toasty and very humid, again!

All the way up the steps she mew'd and prutted and chatted at me, informing me that her tummy was grumbling. Of course, she was happy to see me (there was a "good morning" in there somewhere) too, but I had thumbs and she had a need for food.

As I got to the living room, the other two greeted me in their own ways - indifference and rolling over on the floor - and we carried out the usual morning routine.

After feeding them I checked the hall thermometer, and low and behold, we hit 62*!

In 6-7 months I will be eschewing any temp lower than 71*. Ah well.

It's Friday and I am looking for the CU check in the mail, hoping that today will be the day to go to the dealer and pick up my new car! Wouldn't that be cool!?! That is the one bright spot I have to look forward to lately.

I have chatted with, or emailed back-and-forth extensively over the last two weeks with, several folks regarding 4 positions on productions large and small. Lots of email, phone chats and lots of Q&A, all very hopeful, but yielding very unsatisfying results...thus far.

Actually met face-to-face with one person wanting a camera op, willing to pay $200/day for weekend shoots! She was very interested, and after looking at my credits and demo video, decided she wanted my camera work - but she really wanted my knowledgebase more. She wondered if I wouldn't be willing to film a short scene for her Sunday morning on Belle Isle to show her how I work and to see what it would look like, and then also asked if I would consider being her Production Coordinator ("sort of my right hand") to tell her where something may be missing or what it is she isn't doing right, so that she can learn about the industry.

"What would that be worth? What do you think I should pay you for that?"

Four days later she emailed to say she had decided to let a friend film her webisodes for free, because her budget couldn't handle paying for a camera person.

Then WHY did you advertise for one? Why did you put a bunch of folks through the hassle of driving to meet you for an interview...hadn't you freakin' figured out your budget beforehand? It's only just now become an issue?!!

For crying out loud.

Her email ended with "Good luck in your future endeavors...blah, blah, blah. I will call you in the future when I can afford to have you work with me."

Raspberries to you, lady!

I have been accepted to work for free (LOL) on a project on a one day shoot happening Saturday on the Wayne State campus. Imagine, I can have the "Gaffer" billing, and I get to bring my equipment for them to use. Oh wait, I get it. ;^)

As long as I bring the ball, I will get picked last for a team. :^P

Yeah, yeah, I know we all have to start somewhere (and believe me, 2 days ago I was excited at the notion of getting the working credit on this last project, but not at the cost of losing my EQ, or having it ruined - esp by people I do not know). I mean, who is going to pay me back or replace anything that becomes lost or broken?

Too much BS and disappointment.

Hi-hooooooooooo

Well, it's been something of a ride the last few days - applying for gigs, getting interviewed, getting responses,

getting more questions,

getting in line for days waiting for answers,

getting more questions,

sending answers to questions,

getting blown off,

getting more positive responses,

getting "I've gone another way" emails,

more questions,

more answering,

more waiting....waiting....waiting

sending more interest email....

Wait here for me, I think I just made myself seasick.

*!*!*!*!*

Thanks, I feel much better, but I think I will go lie down for a bit....just until the room stops spinning.

Now, if you will excuse me...

My boyfriend is on, and I need to go drool for an hour.

Bye!

It's NOT the heat...it's the humidity

Holy crap, what a ride!

I hope everyone made it through the evening in fine form.

Those raucous storms blew right over us, and except for the temperatures dropping rapidly (and wonderfully), and a terrific light and sound show, we saw no damage or ill effects.

The morning news is talking about damage done to other parts of the metro and SE portion of the Mitt (some close by - Auburn Hills), and we truly dodged a bullet - so thankful. However, we are now having spotty, momentary blackouts here, so time will tell for the day what is to become of our power.

We left the attic fan on overnight, hoping to draw the temperature indoors as low as possible in order to ride out the day (the weatherdude says the heat will be near 90* by late in the afternoon). Up until last night, the lower level was nearly 20* cooler than the rest of the house, and a wonderful haven in the heat, but I think the humidity from last night may have driven the heat index up a noticeable amount for today - we'll just have to wait and see. Currently: the outdoor temp has just gone up a degree, and the indoor thermometer says it has risen a degree, too, so it must be time to turn off the attic fan and the air circulation, close the windows and draw the shades to try and keep it cool inside.

Yesterday, it was so still, keeping the windows open only resulted in our indoor temp rising with the heat outside, so today we are trying a different tact.

I think I could handle the heat, if it were dry. It really is the darned humidity that wilts my fronds.

Stay cool, everybody.

Kiss today goodbye

Okay, so I didn't get the scripty gig with Auteur Theory, and I didn't apply for the Art Directorship for the same production...but I did send a reply to the same guy (who posted the Script Super position) when he posted an ad for a Boom Op.

I mean, what did I have to lose at that point, right?

I very shortly thereafter received a response saying "I think we will be able to use you. Will be in touch soon." He wanted to know if I was local, if I had an issue with the production day (a 12 hour ordeal), and told me the production days. Good deal, right?

Yea!

So I responded simply: "I am great with the hours - familiar with how it works; yes, I am local; and, I need pay, water and food to be happy."

A little while later he sent a response: "Beth, You are cool -- I'm going to try to find a way to use you. Erik"

Does anybody have a clue what that means? Anyone?

Stay tuned, I know I am.

So, yesterday

I responded to only a couple of new ads out there in job-searchland, and came up with one fast response from some dude named Ozzie Wels (at least that is how the email signature shows), and he keeps asking for more information - which is fine. It shows an interest on his (their) part (he keeps refering to "us" and "we" in his idiotic replies), but it is getting tedious.

I can't tell from the last poorly written message if they want "samples of my film and TV work" via viewing (which they already have access to - sent it with my initial letter), or if [they] wanted a copy of my credit page. Now [they] are asking "what cameras do you have?", when I've already listed my generic equipment supply. I said I have (1) camera initially - so [they] do not read for content. Plus, what does it matter what sort of EQ I own, [their] ad said nothing about the 'camera men' needing to supply EQ. THAT becomes a package fee on top of the daily rate.

See! All of these schmucks want something for nothing!

So now I need to respond again, giving them that specific and.....

[They] gave a scenario where actors are filmed for an hour or so (auditioning) and want to cull that into 5-7 minutes of those actors doing the read - [they] asked "what are you do best at?"

Um, what???

Here. Here is the text [they] sent last:

"Beth what specific cameras do you have? We will start by filming actors doing a read[performing] out of 1 hour or less we are looking for 5 thru 7 minutes after editing. What areas are you best at [ Please list]"

Now, what the hell do [they] mean by "What areas are you best at." Besides the fact the punctuation is missing/wrong, geez. By the way, I cut and pasted that segment - I did not type it in myself.

What are [they] looking for? Initially, I answered an ad for a "camera men." Yes, that's right....that was the ad title. Folks, I don't make this crap up.

I answered [their] first request for more info around 2pm yesterday (my letter #2), then saw nothing for hours...vacuumed, sewed a little, helped Karl complete his first assignment for class!!, made dinner, washed dishes and then I went to bed. This morning I found [their] response/request in my inbox from just about 11pm last night.

Look, I know I want work, and I know I should jump on this, but this is rediculous. I am trying to formulate the best answer I can and still get something in return, but [their] poorly written emails have me concerned about what it is I could be getting into with this one. For an initial $50 per day, with a promise of possible work to come in the future.....hhmmmm. Where do I draw the line?

And still, I have not heard from the one job I really wanted - a scripty position for six weeks, starting in July.

Yesterday was exciting, today is disappointing.

Woooo boy! The tropics have arrived

I don't know about you, but I am not a steamy weather lover. I have no memory from my childhood of this sort of sauna-like stuff, so what the hay?! There are remembrances of extreme warm weather, sure, and some intolerable humidity from time to time, but nothing like this days-on-end stickiness.

What about you?

Clearly, when children are released from their classrooms early in June, they are only concerned with NOT having to meet morning alarms and eating breakfast in a rush to get out the door and to school on time. Weather spikes are but a blip on their screens, and so it is my belief that this sort of weather is like an annoying fly to flick away, not to impede their summer fun or to slow them down in any way.

Besides, "stickiness" is a way of being for children, until they become aware of the opposite sex somewhere in their early teens, and then it is all about presentation (for most of them). That is when the stickiness factor gives way to odd grooming attempts and other peculiar odors. [more on that another time]

Yesterday was oppressive, but not as bad as we have ever experienced, certainly. And most definitely not as horrible as it could be (and might just be today). For now, I am quite happy with the overnight cool down - I totally didn't expect the inside temp to meet the low reported this morning by the weather toad.

68* is heaven!! Heaven!!!

Now, I need to decide whether to leave the attic fan on to continue to draw the cool air through (until the temps begin to rise), or turn it off and close the house up and try to contain the coolness (while allowing the lack of any circulation to make the house smell stale).

Hhmmmmm......

If I wanna be sticky, I can either head to the real tropics or go hug an 8-year-old holding a PB&J sandwich. Either way, ew.

Dribs and drabs

These lovely creations are gone for another year. [sniff]

Brian's hearing is improving, although he is also starting to feel the effects of the antibiotics he's on. The hearing in his right ear is there (it has been nil for some time), and he says the "fullness" he's been experiencing behind/in the ear seems to be diminishing as well. Yea!! No signs of any change on the left side - YET.

There are four days left of the larger dose AB; it started off as quite a bit the first day, and the dosage goes down each day you take it (7 day course). I pray the end of the AB finds him able to hear out of both ears again.

His mood seems a little more buoyant with the improvement, so.... :^)

There is the threat of rain from the weather dweebs for the entire weekend, and while we did get a smattering late in the afternoon yesterday, it only served to increase the humidity levels. Nothing got watered.

I trans-potted a few more of my starters yesterday, taking care to keep the finger out of the fray. I had hoped to get it done just prior to the rain beginning so they could be watered-in in a gentle way. Feh! After the rain ended, I inspected the scene and then ended up watering them by hand.

There were a few little seedlings who, I fear, were drowning in their tray because of all the rain we've had; the starter trays sit in holder trays, that have no vent holes to allow the water to drain, so I think that was doing them in. After a good rain, I would go out to the deck and tip the trays to pour off the excess water - and it was always a flood! The plants I re-potted in May as sprouts are doing splendidly, so I figured I should probably increase the chances for the others.

Why not?

By now, everything should be bushy and bursting at the seams to be in the ground; and there are my little seedlings, not gaining any ground in their moist conditions (at least, that's what I am blaming it on). It will only take a week to see a difference, so I'll keep you posted.

I have received no word from anyone of the number of small projects crewing up that I submitted to, but there is still time. And, I will submit more resumes and letter of interest over the weekend. "Regular" jobs are few and far between, but I was forwarded a terrific site for State of Michigan jobs from my lovely friend Maria. Thank you, Maria!! There were two I am most interested in, and possibly well qualified for, and a small handful of office jobs/admin work, to boot. God bless you, Maria. Oh, and congratulations on your accomplishment with the green training! You are through with your year of major instruction and had commencement, and now are on to engine training? Go Maria! By the way, it has been far too long since we saw one another, and I am planning to visit you in the near future.

That is a threat. My quilting photos and newer quilting blog entries are now at: www.truenorthquilter.blogspot.com.

W.I.3.

218.8

Which, considering I haven't been outside doing the weeding and gardening and bending and stretching, isn't too bad.

Just...stuff

The finger: It is still attached and I think it is healing well. From time to time it hurts, and I fear an infection, but no troubles thus far. [knock on wood] Bruised-looking and stiff from being immobile, but pretty darned good.

Brian is now on 2 antibiotics after the ear flushing. Called the doc yesterday - early - to tell him the flushing didn't do the trick, what next? Any free clinic suggestions? What, what, what? Doc prescribed Azithromycin 250mg - "a full course of AB therapy in 5 days," and Methylprednisolone 4mg. One was for possible fluid in the inner ear/ear infection, the other was for sinus infection? Seems sort of spotty guess work - or am I just being critical again? Why prescribe massive doses of antibiotics without some certainty that is what it will take?

Karl finally had his first day of class - and still we were given incorrect information! The class number (for the change in day/location/building) was wrong, and when we got to the classroom door, it was locked - with no lights on inside! Talk about frustrating. Nobody in sight at the 'help desk', and no signs for further direction/etc., and no one to answer the only phone number I had to call!!! So, we walked back to the lobby and stood for a few minutes (while I calmed down), and finally a girl appeared out of nowhere and asked, "Are you here for a CE class?" Um, yeah.

I told her where things were horribly wrong (as if she didn't already have a clue), and she lead us to a completely different end of the basement! Not room 1004, but room 004! So he missed about 15 minutes (mostly introduction and class expectation stuff).

CCS never mailed his ID or anything, so the instructor had to open a Mac for him with her ID. Hopefully, they will fill in the rest of the cracks and get him an ID - toot sweet. Seriously? Turnes out his ID and parking pass were at the other location (the one CCS scrubbed when they moved the class to the old facility! Um, hello? Shall we think about what it is we are doing??

Karl did a pretty good job after all the false starts, and she (Kim, the instructor) was very good with him, so I am not concerned over Karl being able to keep up. (for him it will be listening and sticking with the class instruction when it feels slow, and hearing her give instructions on next steps and then doing it and not just goofing around on something he wants to create. oh, and getting the HW assignment information.)

Not for nothin', but the instructor's PC wouldn't work, either. So CCS has a lot to fix before next week.

Yikes!

So far, not a terrific week

Karl's summer class begins tonight - that is a yea! He will have classes for the next ten weeks at the CCS campus (directly behind the Detroit Institute of Arts). So yeah, a bit of a drive, but it should be worth it in the long run.

Brian is still not awake, and I will be on the road soon to test drive a Scion xD (or, is it the manual xB they had?) - I can't keep it straight any more. Anyhow, in order to order the car I think I want, I really should drive that particular model, first. Ya know? Don't you think that makes sense? It has been hell trying to find an xD within 50 miles, let alone finding a stick to test.

I pray when Bud wakes up he finds his hearing is far improved. If not, then we will deal with next steps.

The nasty slice in my righthand ring finger is healing, thank you. Opened it up pretty good Sunday early in the afternoon while doing dishes. The handle of a small fry pan impacted a small glass in the water, and it must have been at just the right angle and force to crack the glass. When I reached in with three fingers and the sponge to wash the inside, SNAP! It was an odd instant series of sound, sensation and then surprise, shock and discomfort. Once I realized that, yes, I was cut, and no, I hadn't stopped turning the glass in my hand, yet - I immediately let loose of everything and removed my hand. I could hear the grinding of the glass pieces against each other, and I could feel the stinging of the fresh wound and the soapy water in the cut.

Blood streamed out and into the dishwater, so I reached over with my left hand to turn on the cold tap to begin rinsing it. The cut was not deep enough to hit bone, and it just missed the little blue vein that runs the length of the inside of the finger, so lots to be thankful for. Yeah, should've had 2-3 stitches, according to the people at Brian's doctor's office, but who has the money for that (and esp. since it was a Sunday, clinic hours would have been too expensive). Brian drove to the store and picked up more gauze and large bandaids to wrap around it (love you, Bud).

Jean and Barb arrived not long after and we debated a little about what to do. Mom said there was an 8 hour window of time where stitches can be useful, but after that.... :^P

We had plans to turn in our useless gold things for cash, and that was what we proceeded to do. After that, we went to the drugstore and bought a splint, Neosporin, butterfly strips and some really cool mesh that sticks to itself to better dress (and immobilize) the finger (thank you, ladies). The bleeding stopped while we were out and I have had it trussed up like a mummy ever since. Our hands are amazing things, and you never fully appreciate how it is that all of your digits work together for simple tasks until you can't use them normally, without thought to the processes.

Taking notes for Karl is going to be a riot - so hopefully this first class is more like most first classes, and takes the long way about introducing what will be happening, the goals, teacher's introduction and credits, blah blah blah.

By the way, my other activities are sidelined until I can flex the finger again without tearing the gash open - but that should be (hopefully) by this weekend!

More another time, for now, I have a few errands to get done this morning.

It's been a day, that's for sure

It did not turn out the way it was supposed to - I had plans from the beginning and on through the afternoon, and then life struck.

Ah well.

I went with Brian to the physician's office to hear what the doc would offer as a cause for Brian's hearing loss, and as a solution (if one could be offered) - a simple, but effective, fix.

The doc had the nurse flush Bud's ears.

9:52PM

Nope. It's been eight hours since the rinse and Brian says there is still a definite ringing, and the sound is no better than it had/has been. The doctor also said he saw a lot of sinus drainage upon inspection, but offered no solution for that, nor a reasonable next step should today's efforts not be enough to alleviate the real issues Brian has and is very worried about. We asked but were told that this rinse would surely do the trick - "I'm certain."

I am worried also, but try to remain optomistic.

Perhaps after a night of sleep, he may realize some relief.

Please God, let it be so.

Feeling rather down

My mom stopped by yesterday afternoon, on her way home from gram's, and I had thawed salmon to make for dinner. I was in the midst of vacuuming when she arrived (she chided karl into the act), and I still had plans to wash down the bathroom walls and ceiling before showering and visiting. (The bathroom is one of those projects I have wanted to get started on for quite a while - long story for another time.)

She suggested we go out for supper rather than eat at home. When I asked her why, she replied "if we eat here, somebody will have to cook."

Well, yeah, what else? That's as it happens to be more than 80% of the time. Why go out to a diner and be disappointed by cold fries or greasy meals and dirty silverware, when you can simply stay home and continue chatting without all of the extra room noise and the intrusion of the wait staff (not to mention the bill)?

Besides, I like to cook (hate washing the dishes, but I love to cook). And, she had purchased the salmon I thawed out that morning for dinner...so there you go. The salad was already made and we were set with sweet potato fries as one of the side dishes.

After cleaning up, we went to dinner - the boys and mom and myself. She let Brian drive her car (which he happily did) and we went to the little coney island about a mile+ down the road. Thanks for dinner, mom, but next time, we are taking you to Lil' Daddy's - you will love it! We chatted a while longer, watched Julie and Julia, then climbed in to bed. She must have slept pretty good 'cuz she never got up once.

When I first woke around 5:15AM, she was still asleep, and all I can think is between the comfy mattress and the cool temps she was in a pretty good state of relaxation. That's all you can hope for when you aren't in your own surroundings. So, I rolled over and let myself go back to sleep. She woke about 6:30, and began the departure routine. By 7:30AM she was rolling out of the driveway after several hugs goodbye (that always puts a lump in my throat), and I walked back into the house to start my day.

The girls have been fed and are laying about the living room dozing on separate chairs. I've already thumbed through most of the Sunday paper; the rain has begun to fall again, the temps are cool (much cooler than they have been); Karl has had a piece of toast with peanut butter and a glass of milk; and the resident squawking chipmunk is on the porch shrieking that it is time to get up from the PC, throw him another grape and do something else. So, I think I will move on from here and get the day started.

Guess we'll have salmon for supper.

Only the 4th day of June, already

Happenings in the month of June are usually a little out of whack, mostly due to the exit of May. That whole 3-day-long-weekend thing - because of Memorial day - usually shortens the week of and throws off the schematic business-day count, and generally screws with when your trash gets picked up, mail delivery, due dates for monthly bills, doctor's office hours and so on.

I mean...do you take a bath and change your underwear that week or not? It just seems I can never remember from one year to the next if we should put the trash out or not on Friday, or wait 'til Saturday (which just doesn't seem right).

Anyhow, this month is no different than last month weatherwise - rain, rain, rain. The days may begin dry and hopefully sunny, but as the day progresses, so too, the clouds roll in and eventually give way to anything from a soaking to a deluge. And the mosquitoes have finally made their presence known! Can't open the front door without a brigade charging in - and just as I was thinking to myself how nice it was to have so few. So, I may have jinxed it. I did all of my earlier gardening mosquito-free...and loved it. Now, I need a hat with netting just to step out for the mail. Ay carumba!

My desire is to sand, then paint, the posts of the portico over the front porch; they need it badly. They've needed it for the last two years, but Harvey kept me from doing anything useful or strenuous or fun. Now, so long as I do not overdo it I can work a lot (er...make that "a little") more and get things done. Improvements, gardening, moving furniture, etc. Yea!

It feels good to be able to move and stretch (with caution) and exercise (again, with discrimination and caution), and it has been making a dent in my size! Small changes are better than no changes. Oh, and most definitely downward small changes are INFINITELY better than upward changes in my numbers. I will take what I can get, and continue to be most thankful.

If I could only make a big dent in the fat pad that grew around the Harvey mass, now that the twisted batch of ripped peritoneal lining and musculature is gone/mended, and the 6"-8" of twisted and perforated bowel has been eliminated, I would be a happy person.

Ah well, it is time to don a layer of mosquito repellant and head outside to shake off the flowerheads that survived the last rains, and stake them up again. Their run in the garden is nearly up for the year, but I intend to get the most out of the time that is left. I also need to scope out where to plant my starters - the Cosmos, Zinnias, Sweet Pea, Sunflowers, Thunbergia, Bells of Ireland, Hollyhock, et al that have grown so wonderfully from seeds. They need to get into the ground soon! There is also a bunch of cut branches and the like that require bundling before the grass grows too much around it. So far, so good.

My plan for 2010 was to re-establish the back beds, too, but the weeds haven't even been tackled there to any degree, and I have no room whatsoever cleaned out for any new plants there. Sad to say - and I had such high hopes for this year (for myself and the flowerbeds).

Job news - I did hear from one of the latest positions I applied for, and the answer was that the job was already filled, but that they would keep my resume in case they find they require more editing hands. Ah well.

It has come to my attention...

...that I have been rather thoughtless while writing in my blog.

Well, I write the truth. I speak the truth. I believe in the truth, and I may not be as diplomatically adept as people would like in delivering my thoughts (my truth), but I do not go about saying things to deliberately hurt folks.

Everything is all about perception - all of the time. Yours, mine, everybody's. Points of view, time of day, emotional status, etc., it all plays a part in how we read words...how those words are interpretted, and so on.

I do not believe many people read this blog, and if it is otherwise...well, so be it.

Over my entire life, people (family) rarely listened to anything I had to say, and I found this to be so for a good deal of my youth and on through my young adulthood. It was only in outside situations, where I was a stranger to most folks around me, that I was more accepted and given credence; so, to vent to friends in my own way now is a chance to be heard. Also, for most of my adult life I have rarely felt like a member of my own family, and while I lived with that feeling as a child (but could never put words to the feeling) I now know what it is I have felt for so long.

I remember as a child, when it was time to leave G&G's to go home, I made a habit out of going from person to person to say goodbye. I never left anyone out because I never wanted anyone to feel slighted in any way, because I knew how it hurt. I never desired to make anyone feel unwanted or excluded.

Still, I grew up, and I have learned to be who I am, the way that I am, because it was the way that worked for me.

If my words aren't melancholy in every entry, it is because I got past the need to be negative at every turn only a short while ago, and I am making a concerted effort to go beyond and rise above. If you are a regular reader (or, even an irregular reader, but you take the time to read all the entries between your visits) you know that when I began blogging I was full of hope (when I attended Specs), but also angry from time to time, and scared and not afraid to say so. You know that my blogging began as a way to fill in everyone with the same news so it was delivered the same way to one and all - if they/you were interested in knowing how life was progressing for me as an unemployed, down-and-out, scared-out-of-my-mind person, well......there it was. All you had to do was ask for more, and I would have given it.

I moaned and cried and fretted and worried and wrung my hands for two years, while also celebrating my accomplishments (no matter how small), and it has become easier to swallow the extremely large load of cow dung I have been shoveled with a brighter outlook than to constantly wonder "why me?" all of the time. But, I can regress if it will be more acceptable.

I find it more uplifting (for my own peace of mind) to be more positive than to meet each day with tears and boo-hooing.

The truth of the matter is I am terrified. I do a lion's share of crying and hating the position I am in in private. I am grateful to be so much healthier and able to be productive than the last two years allowed. My health was poor and I was in pain and fearful that whatever I had in my abdomen that wasn't right was going to steal my time away from my sons and my future - and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. But since no one (except my mother and a couple of close frineds) ever acknowledged my ills in any email or phone calls or notes, I felt completely justified to believe that I was typing my words and sending them off to space and total oblivion. Nobody but my friends cared and asked questions.

Even after the surgery it was the same. So, why should I change my MO now?The same goes for job hunting, the scarse interviews, the temporary jobs I've held, the freebie work ("internships"), the lack of transportation and all of the rest.

Life is tough. Life, right now (as it has been for the last 3 years), is a bitch. I hate the handouts and the slim chances I have as a 49-year old woman that I will get a job in the near future. It's been THREE DAMN YEARS! And the crap of it all in trying to get my son the help he deserves is an uphill battle - and that has been a far longer battle than most anything else.

I am ineffective and useless, and I am tired...but who wants to read that?

I don't meet up to everyone's expectations, but then I never made that promise to anyone. And while I am at it, nobody ever meets my expectations, either, (but that is my problem) and I sure as hell don't walk around making sure you know I'm disappointed in your failure to meet my needs. That's my problem...at least, that would be how I see it.

[Now, mom, you are excluded from that because you have more than exceeded your duties as a mother and person]

My positive entries are my way of facing the day outside of my four walls, because quite frankly, most of the time any more, I do not want to venture outside of them. It is much easier to remain inside, anonymous and out of striking range from any more rejection, down-sizing, cheating men, lying crapheads, people trying to get something for nothing, and all the rest of it.

Before I forget

"Waterbed"

We have a storm heading our way; the sky is overly cloudy and ominous, and the weather person promised lightening, thunder and hail.

Thanks, weather person. So I am heading out to quickly stake up my precious peonies and poppies and cover my seedlings and starter plants (all the stuff I grew from seeds this spring) before it is too late. After Monday's rains, my tall beauties are a little droopy - it seems to happen every year without fail - and despite the fact I worked to support them earlier (as I cleaned out the front bed), they grew far taller than I expected, and the weighty flower heads can't handle the bulk of rain trapped in their tightly petaled heads.

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday was spent getting little things accomplished. Not particularly meaningful or life-altering, just....stuff.

Brian's car, some yardwork, a bit of laundry, daydreaming, job searching.

Then, last night, I went out with a brand new 21-year-old, and her mom, to celebrate the youngun's 21st birthday. The restaurant was colorful, the food was good, the company was fun, and the margarita was as big as my head!

Happy Birthday, Barbara Louise Klondike Maypole!

I hope your tongue has thawed out.