Well, I write the truth. I speak the truth. I believe in the truth, and I may not be as diplomatically adept as people would like in delivering my thoughts (my truth), but I do not go about saying things to deliberately hurt folks.
Everything is all about perception - all of the time. Yours, mine, everybody's. Points of view, time of day, emotional status, etc., it all plays a part in how we read words...how those words are interpretted, and so on.
I do not believe many people read this blog, and if it is otherwise...well, so be it.
Over my entire life, people (family) rarely listened to anything I had to say, and I found this to be so for a good deal of my youth and on through my young adulthood. It was only in outside situations, where I was a stranger to most folks around me, that I was more accepted and given credence; so, to vent to friends in my own way now is a chance to be heard. Also, for most of my adult life I have rarely felt like a member of my own family, and while I lived with that feeling as a child (but could never put words to the feeling) I now know what it is I have felt for so long.
I remember as a child, when it was time to leave G&G's to go home, I made a habit out of going from person to person to say goodbye. I never left anyone out because I never wanted anyone to feel slighted in any way, because I knew how it hurt. I never desired to make anyone feel unwanted or excluded.
Still, I grew up, and I have learned to be who I am, the way that I am, because it was the way that worked for me.
If my words aren't melancholy in every entry, it is because I got past the need to be negative at every turn only a short while ago, and I am making a concerted effort to go beyond and rise above. If you are a regular reader (or, even an irregular reader, but you take the time to read all the entries between your visits) you know that when I began blogging I was full of hope (when I attended Specs), but also angry from time to time, and scared and not afraid to say so. You know that my blogging began as a way to fill in everyone with the same news so it was delivered the same way to one and all - if they/you were interested in knowing how life was progressing for me as an unemployed, down-and-out, scared-out-of-my-mind person, well......there it was. All you had to do was ask for more, and I would have given it.
I moaned and cried and fretted and worried and wrung my hands for two years, while also celebrating my accomplishments (no matter how small), and it has become easier to swallow the extremely large load of cow dung I have been shoveled with a brighter outlook than to constantly wonder "why me?" all of the time. But, I can regress if it will be more acceptable.
I find it more uplifting (for my own peace of mind) to be more positive than to meet each day with tears and boo-hooing.
The truth of the matter is I am terrified. I do a lion's share of crying and hating the position I am in in private. I am grateful to be so much healthier and able to be productive than the last two years allowed. My health was poor and I was in pain and fearful that whatever I had in my abdomen that wasn't right was going to steal my time away from my sons and my future - and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. But since no one (except my mother and a couple of close frineds) ever acknowledged my ills in any email or phone calls or notes, I felt completely justified to believe that I was typing my words and sending them off to space and total oblivion. Nobody but my friends cared and asked questions.
Even after the surgery it was the same. So, why should I change my MO now?The same goes for job hunting, the scarse interviews, the temporary jobs I've held, the freebie work ("internships"), the lack of transportation and all of the rest.
Life is tough. Life, right now (as it has been for the last 3 years), is a bitch. I hate the handouts and the slim chances I have as a 49-year old woman that I will get a job in the near future. It's been THREE DAMN YEARS! And the crap of it all in trying to get my son the help he deserves is an uphill battle - and that has been a far longer battle than most anything else.
I am ineffective and useless, and I am tired...but who wants to read that?
I don't meet up to everyone's expectations, but then I never made that promise to anyone. And while I am at it, nobody ever meets my expectations, either, (but that is my problem) and I sure as hell don't walk around making sure you know I'm disappointed in your failure to meet my needs. That's my problem...at least, that would be how I see it.
[Now, mom, you are excluded from that because you have more than exceeded your duties as a mother and person]
My positive entries are my way of facing the day outside of my four walls, because quite frankly, most of the time any more, I do not want to venture outside of them. It is much easier to remain inside, anonymous and out of striking range from any more rejection, down-sizing, cheating men, lying crapheads, people trying to get something for nothing, and all the rest of it.
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