Scarey sh*t

Brian is becoming restless and wants a change in his life. Can't say that I blame him.

He wants to take the first step - the big step - but is afraid. Of course he is - it's scary sh*t, man.

I wish I could be back there again (early twenties)...I would have had more faith in myself and trusted my urges to explore and follow the curiousity I am allowing myself now. I would have been great - having found my niche early on, and I would be so much further ahead. I wouldn't have allowed my need to know what a relationship was until I was ready, instead of trying to fabricate one from hope and lack of previous experience. It stood in my way.

I stood in my own way.

(And now, later in life,) Starting over would have been a choice and not what it ultimately was.

I definitely would have done it so much differently. Oh yeah...different, different, different.

Grandma asked me that very thing about a year and a half ago. What would I do if I could go back? Would I change anything?

The question took me by surprise, and I am not sure why. Could have been the person asking. Could have been that I never gave any thought to the possibility of someone her age having that sort of introspection or regret - or desire.(?)

I think when [I] see someone from her generation, that age...someone who has seen a lot of the later portion of the industrial revolution, women earning the right to vote, the great depression, prohibition, the beginning and end of so many world wars and major military conflicts, the great marches for freedom and equality of the negro society, someone who has witnessed the advent of travel into space and the start of the "space race", and lived through the regimes of seventeen of the nation's presidents, not to mention the miracles and gains of medical science...I cannot help but wonder what she thinks when she turns on the news each day. What could it possibly take to shock or surprise her any more?

For her to ask me what I would do again if I could have a do-over.

So I asked her, "What would you do? What changes would you make to your own life; how would you alter your history?" Her answer set me to wondering what I would do, and I can't begin to tell you the thoughts whirling through my head.

Scary sh*t, man.

So, Brian, my little bird...fly! Spread your wings and dare to be scared. Prepare to feel frightened and elated. Deeply underwhelmed and hugely gratified. Fail. Succeed. Baby steps until you can find room to run. Peek behind doors and peer in darkened windows. Search for opportunities or make your own. Know the heights and depths of each of these things...but try.

Scary, scary sh*t, man.