Epiphany

Pretty certain I woke this morning after having an epiphany that was a little late in arriving.  But then, aren't epiphanies always late?

I guess I haven't done what I am supposed to have been doing during this whole time "off."  I am beginning to realize that perhaps God has been trying to get me to utilize His gifts more fully, and I've just finally heard the wake up call. 

Just finally felt the two-by-four to the cranium. 

Finally experienced the wet fish slapped across my mug. 

Finally seen the cow pattie splat-dab in my path (yes, I know it's "smack-dab" - my version is more sound effective).

I've finally tripped over my obvious 'lead twinkie'.

I've been questioning: "When is it going to be my turn?"  Maybe this is my turn and I am not recognizing it for what it is.

When I think about it in this way I become angry at myself for not having utilized the last four-plus years in a better fashion.  I am despondent over not having taken full advantage of the time allotted me to achieve the thing(s) God put me here to do.  How could I have wasted such a precious gift?

My entire adult life I have questioned how I am supposed to recognize God's hand in things.  I have been a classic doubting Thomas.

What if I've heard His whisper in my ear - felt that tingle of instruction and intervention, and had His push in a direction that I ultimately avoided taking because I didn't recognize it was Him?  Didn't recognize it was His will.  It's been this way at least the last 25 years, and now I am wracked with the pain and despair of knowing I have wasted more time than just the last four years.

I am filled with doubt.  Self-doubt, doubt in others and lack of faith - not in God, but in my abilities to make right decisions.  And now my doubt in myself has become gloom and deep regret and disappointment.

Oddly, my waking epiphany wasn't about my misdirection and false starts, it was that I should have mixed the flesh tone I wanted for my screen print using white as a base then adding a good dash of yellow and an even smaller touch of magenta.  The Pantone recipe was off....way off.

How I got to my current state of awareness I don't know, but I have arrived.  Thank God.