A shambles

How does one go from being on top of their game to the bottom of the pile?  If someone is thankful and says so, and is not bragging or possessing too much pride or showing off, how can it be that it is all suddenly lost?  Even more baffling is...that the path back to stability has become an elusive (almost non-existent) path.

My life is a shambles.

Even after my epiphany (just the other day), I can still find little things that mentally and emotionally eat at me in a hurry, until I become a giant puddle of weeping girl.  As blue as the sky is this morning, I am equally blue - but not a sunny, what-a-lovely-day blue.  How is that possible??

I took a moment to look over FB (increasingly becoming a waste of time and a mental-zapping site), and there are people who chime in on a page called "If You Grew Up in Mason, You'll Remember...." blah, blah, blah, or some other such pile of a turd memory crap fest.  I can't/don't join in because my memories only extend for a few brief years.  Those people are a part of that community and each other's lives.  I was a weed that blew in and sat in a crack in their sidewalk for a while, then washed out again with a hard rain.

I didn't grow up anywhere.  There was no one place I could call home. 

No pile of memories. 

No scrapbook of photos or diaries of childhood thoughts. 

No friendships lasting decades; and my relationships with my brothers is flighty and tenuous, at best.  Not for lack of trying, but they quite obviously are fine with being acquaintances, and I have a different desire (probably that female, maternal instinct thing). 

Whatever.

Even my own father admitted to not wanting a daughter, and to not wanting to be a father. 

Perhaps this is why I don't go out of my way to create and maintain friendships to this day.  Sort of a saboteur of my own friend-ship (so to speak). 

As an adult I have only my younger years to reference, and I can only remember that in extending massive amounts of energy to find, make and become friends with someone (as a child or young teen or young adult), I always found myself on the outside looking in once the day was done.  Eventually, I found it was much easier to observe than to dive in.  No expectations meant no broken heart or dreams...therefore no tears to shed.

A pattern I seem to be repeating in my grown-up years.  I've no connections to a past and I can see myself, even now, standing on a periphery of friendships.  Afraid of loss down the road, I do not let myself truly embrace something I know later will cause me pain and regret - so I hold back, or weaken a bond with bad habits.

If I have no expectations I can have no sadness later when expectations are not met.  Makes sense, right?

Told you, my life is a shambles.

(Oh, I know. "Boo-hoo-hoo." 
Well, this is either menopause rearing it's ugly head or my complete and utter disappointment at not being able to easily snag a job after all of this time.  Or, perhaps a combination of both of those and more thrown in.  Whatever it is, this is real and unavoidable grief, and I am not enjoying it - either!)

[wallow, wallow, wallow]